Content:

Section 1: The Importance of Marriage

Section 2: Materialism in Marriage

Section 3: The Duties of a Husband

Section 4: the Duties of a Wife

Section 5: Divorce and Why Allah hates it

Section 6: Looking good for your husband and Hygiene plays a BIG role in Marriage

Section 7: What qualities are to be needed in your future husband?

Section 8: What qualities you should posses to be a Pious Wife.

Section 9: Marriage Reunion (watch videos)

Section 10: Sex in Marriage

Section 11: Children

Section 12: FAQ/ Misconceptions of a Muslim Marriage

Section 13: E-Books

Section 14: Lectures

Section 1: The Importance of Marriage

Introduction

In light of modern day, what is marriage? What does it mean? The Collins Paperback English Dictionary states under the heading of marriage: ‘The contract made by a man and a woman to live as husband and wife’.
The Hutchinson Encyclopedia states: ‘..legally or culturally sanctioned union..’. So, according to the dictionary and the encyclopedia marriage is supposed to be a relationship that joins a man and a woman together via a contract. When one looks at what marriage actually is in this modern era of the world one finds a completely different picture. It seems as though modern couples sign the contract with a get-out-whenever-you-like-upon-trivial-matters clause, which enables both the husband and the wife to scrap their marriage contracts and break their marriage oaths whenever they feel like leaving their partner and move on.

Marriage is supposed to tie a man and a woman together and strengthen their relationship. Today the world is seeing a new era where marriage is no longer considered necessary or even significant for a relationship. Islam has laid down rules and regulations for marriage and has considered marriage an important and essential part of a Muslims life. This lack of understanding has in itself caused many problems such as fornication, homosexuality, masturbation etc., which are getting worse day by day. I will attempt to unfold these issues using The Holy Quran and the saying of the messenger of Allah: Muhammad .
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Marriage in Islam

Marriage is a vital part of a Muslim’s life. In fact marriage is so important in the religion of Islam that it is declared to be one half of one’s faith. As a Muslim one should live in accordance with the Islamic Jurisprudence in the way shown by the greatest of creations and the person who was the greatest impact on mankind in the existence of the universe, The Holy Prophet Muhammad . The Prophet himself married and also encouraged others to marry. It has been reported that The Prophet Muhammad  said,

‘A person who posses the means to marry (i.e. he is able to work etc. to support a wife and children) and does not marry then he is not from amongst us (i.e. the believers).’

In another narration the Prophet Muhammad  has been reported to have said,

‘Do not delay in three things; 1) The offering of the obligatory prayer. 2) The offering of the funeral prayer when the deceased’s body is present . 3) The marriage of a woman when her couple is found’

One can see from this statement that to become a complete and true believer one must act upon the advice given by The Prophet Muhammad . This means marrying when the partner is found and not delaying it for too long.

The Creator of the Universe – Allah - has stated in the Quran,

‘And wed the single among you’.(C24 : V32)

One can see from the above verse that the Creator of mankind himself has ordered us to marry. The scholars of Islam have stated that when Allah states an order in the Quran like the above-mentioned one then this order becomes compulsory on man hence marriage is an obligatory act. The big question must be why? Why has Islam emphasised marriage so much and why has the best of creations encouraged it so much. Surely there must be a reason. Well there are a number of reasons why Islam has emphasised marriage so much. A few of which I will mention.
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Why marry?

Marriage makes an incomplete human being a complete one. It makes him/her a grown up and gives him/her responsibilities whether those responsibilities are to feed and clothe the wife or to assist the husband. Marriage is supposed to take a person out of the hectic lifestyle that one is in and place him or her in an organised environment giving them a path to follow in life and a shoulder to lean on. In short marriage arranges one’s life. In Islam a man cannot have relationships with those he can marry unless it is within marriage. In other words Islam gives the right to a woman to be a wife of a man independant of the marriage relationship the man may have with another woman. This is a key diffence because in the modern era a man is not guilty if he has relationships with a woman outside of marriage but the moment he contracts to treat this woman equally as his wife, he is criminalised for illegal behaviour. This is odd as the current common law does not criminalise the actual relationship of the man with another woman but punishes the solemn promise/affirmation in writing to continue. Any off-spring would be illegitamate as the courts would not recognise polgamy even though it exists and is accepted in behaviour but not in writing. In some senses the increase in divorce rates and re-marriages we see nowadays is in someways a serial version of polygamy!. There are many reasons that support polygamy but Islam limits the practice to four wives and is allowed only when one can be fair to all wives. Polygamy is only mentioned briefly here but as a subject could be read in further detail elsewhere. Please also note that the current Law of the land in this regard should be abided by.

Marriage helps to safeguard one’s imaan (faith) i.e. it stops one from committing such acts by which s/he could be considered immoral. Sins such as intermingling with people of the opposite sex or socialising as it is classed in everyday terms are not considered to be acceptable in Islam, (because it creates immorality and immodesty) even though an incredibly large amount of people will hastely class it as an 'essential' part of one’s day.
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Marriage and its Connection with Fornication and Homosexuality

One of the most underestimated sins is fornication. Nowadays this is considered to be something which one should feel proud of with a ‘the more the better’ motto it seems which is an incredibly sad thing to say. Fornication is a despicable act in the eyes of Islamic Jurisprudence due to its ill effects on society. Many youngsters and even teenagers get dragged into this act and then suffer the consequences when they (in most cases the female) are left to look after the child and struggle greatly due to financial difficulties. Many also end up leaving the child in an orphanage; circumstances in society can create an unfortunate and challenging upbringing. Hence, fornication plays an extremely significant part in the fall of society. What makes it worse is that today’s society has considered it to be a small matter and it is not paid any attention to it (or not as much as it needs). In fact in modern society fornication is not even considered wrong (i.e. it is not even considered immoral).

Marriage also reduces the possibility of one indulging in the forbidden act of homosexuality. This is such a despicable and cursed act that the proven partakers of this act would attract capital punishment under Islamic Law with a heavy burden on proof (please note that the current law of the land should be abided by individuals and upheld by authorities). Homosexuality is not only against nature but it also seriously endangers one’s health. Homosexuals or bisexuals are much more likely to contract diseases such as AIDS and HIV from their sexual relationships than a man is who conducts sexual relationships with women. This is due to the fact that in hetrosexual intercourse (i.e. man + woman) there is normally only one way that this disease can be passed on from one individual to the other and that is through the transfusion of the fluids excreted during sexual intercourse. Whereas during a homosexual relationship, during anal intercourse (also prohibited in Islam) there are two ways in which the disease can be contracted. The first way is through the mixing of the fluids and the second way is through the mixing of the blood, which is emitted from the body during anal intercourse. The risk of perpetrating homosexual behaviour increases when a man fails to marry a woman. On the other hand, if a man marries a woman then the risk of him ever commiting homosexual behaviour is almost invariably mitigated.

Islam has tried to prevent those factors that cause immorality, promiscuity and ultimately the downfall of society such as fornication and homosexuality. Islam understands the harms of such things and has therefore laid down severe punishments for those who decide to commit these crimes. In this way one will attempt to stay away from these crimes in any possible way. I am sure that there will be some people who will find the use of the word crime to describe the acts of fornication and homosexuality somewhat peculiar but as they are root causes of harm for the whole of society that is how they are classified in Islam.. For example: Many cases of domestic violence, rape/indecent assault and disfunctional families are caused/inflicted by peaople who turn around and try to excuse their behaviour by saying they did not think they were committing an illegal act. The cries and complaints of the victims are dismissed as normality in 'this day and age'. For example: a child is left with a single parent due to non-marriage relationships easliy breaking down. A rape victim is unjustly and quickly accused of 'consenting' as casual sex/extra marital sex is not illegal. A person is infected with a transmitted disease through extra-marital/casual sex of their 'partner'. (A child is born with HIV due to the mother being infected by the desease through extra-marital/casual sex by herself/partner). A child is left with a single parent due to one of the parents being in a homosexual relationship. Fewer children have a brother/sister from the same parent due to homosexual relationship of parent. A baby from casual/extra marrital intercourse is killed (aborted). A decline in population due to abortions from temporary relationships. A drop in births due to same sex relationships. A decline in births causes a decrease in the number of people who look after others in old age. The nature of temporary relationships leads to a climate of doubt and questionable parentage. Paternity tests may not be error free, conclusive or affordable and legal declarations of paternity and custody can take a long time even when all parties wish it to be expedient. Children in almost all cases would prefer knowing who their biological parents are and prefer being brought up by them however temporary relationships can be very complicated and children end up being the silent victims of social crimes.
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The Knock-on Effects of Fornication and Homosexuality

Unfortunately today, the state and most societies fail to acknowledge fornication and homosexuality as a great factor in the slowing down of the progress of a society as a whole. Many couples acknowledge bringing up children, particularly teenagers is not easy. To do so when one is single is definitely harder. The very nature of relationships out of marriage leads to temporal behaviour devoid of commitment. Even long standing relationships are tested against time only to breakdown due to the absense of commitment in the form of a marriage contract. Children need to be nurtured, be motivated and be re-assured. They need role models and people who they can talk/confide in. Where families are broken and reflect the state of society young people do not recieve the support they need. 'Time and Money' being the commodoties that are best shared in family environments are split or consumed by 'individual space/pursuits'. Children are left vulnerable to society's ills and juvenile crime; leading to a life devoid of social resposibility and this degenerating cycle repeats. People attemting to attract potential sexual participants often resort to displaying themselves with the latest trend in clothes, gadjets, cars/posessions. Some waste a lot of money ensuring they replace yesterdays gear with today's. Money is commonly channeled away from necessities and somtimes substantial debt is incurred. These expenses may be paid by hard-earned cash however ill gotten means (fraud/theft) fueling such showful habits are familiar and increasing as 'must have' mentalities prevail. Indecent/sexual assault, rape etc are crimes that are commited where defence excuses touted include 'honourable attention', wrong signals' 'reasonable belief of consent', etc. If sexual intercourse was legal only under marriage then some of these crimes can be prevented as there will be no excuses. There would also be a decrease in crimes centred around attention competion as again the objective would be only legal within marriage and so opportunists would find it diffficult. Crime rates in islamic/moral socities is considerably lower than where fornication and homosexuality is not abated.
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Marriage and Masturbation

One type of indecent practise, which has crept into the youngsters of today, is the practise of masturbation. This is partly due to the fact that many people decide to marry very late on in their lives, (which is not in accordance with what The Prophet Muhammad  said). This leads them into this practice because they feel that they need to fulfil their carnal desires but they cannot do so in the normal way i.e. sexual intercourse.

Islam has condemned the act of masturbation simply because it is harmful towards a person not only physically but also morally. Masturbation contributes to the weakening of the sexual organs. One reason why people do not think that masturbating is wrong is because that is what most people are led into thinking. I can remember very well from my time in school when the teacher actually encouraged masturbation by saying that one should masturbate whenever one feels the urge and that one should not consider it to be wrong or immoral. I myself found this fairly shocking due to the fact that I came from a background where acts such as masturbation were shunned.
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A Final Word Regarding Marriage

Islam has many reasons to encourage marriage such as its advantages in safeguarding one’s faith and also because marriage is an essential element in the proper upbringing of children. This is because children without one of their parents are much more likely to commit crimes etc. and in short become a nuisance to the environment they live in. Marriage plays a large part in saving one from fornication, homosexuality and masturbation. It takes away the possibility of these things because after marriage a man is supposed to occupy himself with a woman he has married and vice versa.

The Prophet Muhammad  has himself said, ‘A person who posses the means to marry (i.e. he is able to work etc. to support a wife and children) and does not marry, then he is not from amongst us (i.e. the believers).’

Not only has The Holy Prophet Muhammad  placed emphasis on the importance of marriage but also the Creator of the Universe (Allah) has commanded His people to marry when He says in the Quran, ‘And wed the single among you’. (chapter 24, verse 32)

From the above verse one sees again that the Creator of mankind has ordered man (not just advised him) to join in matrimony. I am hopeful that you will agree on the importance of marriage based on the above factual data / the Quran and the sayings of The Prophet Muhammad .

1. I cant talk to my parents about my marriage.
2. I don't have enough money to spend on my niqah celebrations-reflect how much did sahabas or our beloved rasool had before getting married or spent on there niqahs??
3. I cant support my wife if i marry-remember risq is from Allah swt.One would be happy being married with minimalistic resources than by staying single and having all the riches in the world.I have often come across sisters who want their husbands to be rich because to be happy "MONEY IS IMPORTANT" riches comes from the contentment of heart and not by amount of bank balance you have and it is definitely not a criterion for marriage. Marriage is way holy a bond to be measured or decided upon scales of bucks or quids.
4. I have elder brothers or sisters who need to get married first- its all about naseeb and there is no hadith which specifies that siblings have to marry in chronological order. We cannot pick and choose what we want from Islam and suit ourselves, rather we should strive and change ourselves to fit in the realm of islam.The word islam itself means TOTAL SUBMISSION TO ALLAH swt(Anwar al awlaki)
   
5. A big point that has resulted in many sisters and brothers not getting married-they just wait and hope that someday by some miracle whatsoever Allah is gonna send their spouse to their doorstep.The problem is there are two extremes a) people who don't do anything and sit thinking Allah will make it happen for us and they leave everything in the hands of Allah and the other group that is group b- b) They do everything and say its in our hands totally we will make it happen no matter what but a balanced person is one who strives and makes his/her best efforts and then says that i leave it to Allah's will and in the Almighty's trust(Nouman Ali Khan). So please donot expect to get married by some miracle because that is not going to happen.
6. Islam doesn't believe in any type of culture per say. So don't even think of saying i am culturally not of age to get married.
7. I want someone from my place so that i can stay near my parents i cant adapt to different place or environment. As long as you follow the hadith and guidelines for finding the right spouse that is you look for piety - no matter where you live it may be Paris, India,United kingdom,U.S.A or Timbaktu inshaAllahul azeez you will be happy. And as Abu esa Naimatullah and many other scholars state if you sacrifice even a little bit of piety in exchange for something -it can be beauty or wealth or place or wateva - wallahi you will repent in this world and in the hereafter. And then there is always that one person around who is more beautiful and more wealthy. Because the level of love and respect you will get from your spouse is directly proportional to the god consciousness he/she has -- the amount of TAQWA.
   

"La tattabi'unna sunan alladhina min qablikum shibran bi shibrin wa dhiraa'an bi dhiraa'in hatta lau dakhaloo juhra dhubbin ladakhaltumoohu."

"You will follow the ways of those who came before you foot by foot and yard by yard and even if they go down a lizard's hole, you will follow them."

Section 2: Materialism in Marriage

Increasing levels of debt and bankruptcies are a frequent cause for divorces and conflict within marriage and a new research at Brigham Young University linked this to a couple's materialism, not to the actual material situation.

The researchers discovered that highly materialistic spouses are about 40 % more likely than non materialistic spouses to face financial problems linked to marital dissatisfaction, regardless of income levels. "For years there has been an emphasis on learning proper saving and budgeting techniques to avoid marital conflict over financial issues," said author Jason Carroll, BYU assistant professor of family life. "But our study found that financial problems have as much to do with how we think about money as they do with how we spend money."

Materialism was proven to indirectly inflict an overall martial dissatisfaction by rising the frequency of financial problems.

Section 3: The Duties of a Husband

 How should a husband treat his wife? Guest Author - Serkan Tufan

This article is a translation from an important book by Ibrahim Hakki, a well-known Islam scholar and scientist,(1703-1780) which is called Marifetname. This part deals with advice for men as to how to treat their wives. I found it very interesting and a good lesson for all men who need guidance in terms of marital relations. Look how Islam values women and how an Islam scholars perspective of women was back in 18th century, way before the womens basic rights were accepted around in the other countries of the world.

" Oh my friend, You have to be gentle, understanding and friendly to your wife. you have to talk with her in a polite and soft way and sweetness of words. Our beloved Prophet said: The best of people is the one who is beneficial and helpful to his wife and his housemembers". when you found her sad and worried, you need to say you love her and you need to cheer her up with compassion as she might feeling depressed or hopeless at that time at home. You should be her best friend, her support in her troubles.

You should help her with the education of the children. The children will not give her a break and rest as they whine, cry, and ask for things day and night. If you help her, her Lord Allah will help you too. About the mistakes she did, you must not get angry or say rude words. Even when you have to give her silent treatment, you should cut it after one day. when you discover a bad habit of hers or a behavior you did not like about her, you should find the fault in you and say: "if I was a better person and had better behavior, she would be nicer, too".

When she gets angry, you have to be silent. When you do not respond her, she would regret and apologize to you. When she is helping, supporting and serving you, you should pray for her and you should thank and praise Allah since your wife, who is a good match for you, is a bounty by God that could never be thanked enough for.

You have to treat your wife in a way that she needs to think "my husband loves me more than anyone."

About the household and financial issues, you have to consult her and talk together. You should not bother your wife with your other big troubles and issues. You need to ignore her bad behaviors unless they are forbidden by Allah, that is, unless she is committing a sin.

You have to hide her secret faults and her private matters from everybody. You should make compliments , appropriate jokes, and create entartainment for your wife. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad would compliment, mingle and make jokes with his wife. He was the ultimate gentlemen and the most refined elegant person towards his wife. Once he had a race with his wife and his wife won, in the second time, he won.

Mild and pleasant conversations will bond you with your wife. You need to read each other about the basics and pillars of Islam, and other the necessary knowledge and sicences. You have to provide for her whatever you have for yourself in terms of clothing, food, and so on.

You should not reflect your troubles, problems, your sadness, enemies and your debts to her becuase even if she overcome these problems, these troubles will leave marks in her soul and affects her inner peace.

You should always say heartful of good prayings to her face and her behind not ever bad prayers since she is always there for you and serving you day and night. She prepares your bread, your meal, mend and wash your clothess. She is the protector and manager of your dignity, honor, your properties, and your children . She is your best friend, your only support as you are to her, she is your love as you are her love."

Section 4: the Duties of a Wife

The Woman as Wife

According to some ancient beliefs, a woman was consign impure being created by Satan. One should, therefore, escape from her and turn to a monastic life of self-denial. Others considered the wife to be an instrument of pleasure for man, a cook for his food or a servant to his house.

Islam came to abolish the monastic state of life and retirement from the world. It urges marriage and considers the state of marriage as one of the signs and proofs of Allah in the universe: "And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect". [Surah 30:21]

When a group of companions wanted to retire from worldly life and devote themselves to the worship of Allah, fasting the whole day, spending the whole night in worship and deserting women, the Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) denounced their life saying, "Are you the people who said such a thing? By Allah I am the most fearing of God among you, the most pious, but I fast and then break my fast, I wake up at night to worship Allah and I sleep, and I marry. Whoever does not follow my way (Sunna), he is not one of us". [ Transmitted by Al-Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Anas The Pearl and the Coral (Al-Lu'lu' wal-Marjan) 2/885]

Islam has made a good wife the best treasure a man can have in his life, after belief in Allah and following His commands. She is considered the key to happiness. According to the Hadith, "the Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) told `Umar, shall I tell you the best a man can treasure? It is a good wife. If he looks at her, she gives him pleasure; if he orders her, she obeys; and if he is away from her, she remains faithful to him". [ Transmitted by Abu Dawud in the authority of Ibn Abbas in "Zakat 2/1664; Al-Hakim who amended it 2/333, approved by Al-Dhahaby.] The Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) said, "The world is delightful and its greatest treasure is a good woman". [Transmitted by Muslim on the authority of Abdullah Ibn Amr (1467).] He also said, "Whoever is granted a good wife, he is helped to follow half his religion, let him obey God in the second half". [ Transmitted by Hakim who amended it on the authority of Anas 2/161, approved by Al-Dhahaby and reiterated by Al-Munzery in Inducing and Intimidating (Al-Targheeb wal-Tarheeb). See The Selected (Al-Muntaqa) 111101. It is also related to Al-Tabrany in Al-Awsat as well as Al-Hathamy in AI-Majmu' 41272. Abd Ar-Rahman did not know the transmitter on the authority of Anas, Al-Hakim knew it was Al-Oqba Al-Azraqi, reiterated by Al-Dhahaby and mentioned by Al-Albany in The Authentic Traditions (625).] He also said, "There are three things that cause happiness and three things that create misery for the human being. A good wife, a good house, and good transport cause happiness. A bad woman, a bad house and bad transport cause his misery". [ Transmitted by Ahmad, Al-Bazzar and Al-Tabrany in Al-Kabr wal-Awsat on the authority of Saad Ibn Abi Waqqas, as Al-Hathamy said in Al-Majma' 41272. It is mentioned by Al-Munzery in Inducing and Intimidating (Al-Targheeb wal-Tarheeb), who said it was transmitted by Ahmad through authentic support and by Al-Tabrany, Al-Bazzar and Al-Hakim who amended it.] The Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) also said, "Four things if granted to any person, he is granted the best of the world and the afterlife: a thankful heart, a tongue that mentions Allah, a body that patiently endures misfortune, and a wife that does not seek his betrayal or his money. [Al-Haythamy said 4/273 it was transmitted by Al-Tabrany, Vo.11(11275) in Al-Kabr wal-Awsat on the authority of Ibn Abbas.] In another version, "does not seek sinning against him " Islam raised the importance of the woman as a wife and considers her fulfilment of matrimonial duties as jihad (struggle for the sake of Allah). Al-Tabrany transmitted on the authority of Ibn `Abbas, may Allah be pleased with them, the following Hadith: "A woman came to the Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) and said, `O Messenger of Allah, I am the woman's messenger to you. There is no woman among them-who knows it-but none of them wishes my coming to you." She then presented her case and said, `Allah is the Lord of men and women, and is their God, and you are Allah's messenger unto men and women. Fighting for Allah (Jihad) is meant for men; if they succeed, they take their due and if they die martyrs, they are alive (in the afterlife)and are provided for by Allah. So, what equals their deeds in our obedience to Allah?" He said, "Obey your husbands and perform your duties. A few of you do that. [Al-Haythamy in Majma' Al-Zawaaed 4/305, 306; it is transmitted by Al-Tabrany; and Al-Bazzar transmitted a similar Hadith.]

Islam has declared rights of the wife on the husband, and has not made her a mere puppet. On the contrary, it establishes for her more than a protector and observer: firstly, by giving her the Muslim's faith and piety; secondly, the conscience of the society and of its wakefulness; thirdly, a Law and commitment to it.

The first of her rights is a dower, which Islam obliges the man to give to the woman as a symbol of his desire, in marrying her and of wanting her. Allah says: "And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart, but if they, of their own good pleasure remit a part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allah has made it lawful)". [Surah 4:4] The expression "with a good heart" signifies the dower as a gift and is not a price or in return for the pleasure he gets from her, as some people have insisted.

So, where can we find this in other civilisations, where a woman pays a sum of her own money though, by nature, the man requests her more than she requests him?

The second of her rights is maintenance. The husband is required to provide his wife with food, clothes, a place to live and medical treatment according to his environment, conditions and income. The wealthy have their own measure, whereas the poor have theirs. The Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) said stating the rights of women, "You are obliged to provide them with food and clothes honourably". [ Transmitted by Abu Dawud (1905); Ibn Majah (3074); Al-Doramy in Kittab Al-Mannish p.440 on the authority of Jabber; Ahmad 5/73 on the authority of Abu Gara Al-Raqashi's uncle.] Honourably here means what is conventional according to people of faith and honour, without extravagance or meanness. The Almighty said:

"Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him". [Surah 65:7]

The third right is living with them honourably. The Almighty said: "And live with them honourably". [Surah 4:19] It is a collective right which is comprised of all around good treatment in all aspects of the husband/wife relationship such as good manners, a flexible attitude, sweet words, a smiling face, a pleasing playfulness and an amusing mien, etc. The Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) said, "The most faithful believers are the best in manners and the most gentle of their own people". [Transmitted by Al-Termithy on the authority of Abu Huraira (1162).]

Ibn Hibban transmitted on the authority of ` isha that the Prophet said, "The best of you is he who is the best to his family, and I am the best to my family". [Transmitted by Ibn Hibban Charity (El-Ehsan) Vol. 9 (4177).]

The actual biography of the Prophet (greetings and peace be upon him) has proved his gentleness towards his people, his excellent conduct with his wives, to the extent that he used to help them with their housekeeping. The extent of his playfulness is shown when he raced ` isha twice; she won the race once and he won the second time. He then said, "Tit for tat". [Transmitted by Ibn Majah (1976) on the authority of isha.]

In return for these rights, a wife is obliged to obey her husband in everything except disobeying Allah. She is obliged to take care of his money, not to spend it except with his permission; and of his house, not to allow anyone in, even though they be a relative, except after asking him. Such duties are not too burdensome, nor unfair, in return for her rights. Therefore, every right has a duty in return. It is fair of Islam that it did not make all the duties a woman's concern nor a man's concern. God Almighty says: " And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable". [Surah 2:228]

Therefore, women have as many rights as they have duties to perform. Of the laudable words transmitted are those telling of Ibn `Abbas standing in front of a looking glass to straighten his appearance and arrange his ornamentation. When he was asked about it, he said, "I adorn myself for my wife as she does for me." Then he recited the noble verse: "And they have rights (over them) similar to what is reasonable. [Surah 2:228. This is a wonderful example illustrating the deep Qur'anic knowledge of the Companions, may Allah be pleased with them all.

Independence of the wife 

Islam does not ignore the personality of any woman because of her marriage, as in some cultures which attach the woman to her husband in addition to giving her his name. Islam has kept the distinct, independent personality of the woman as it is, and that is the reason we know the Messenger's wives by their own names.

In addition, her civil personality is not diminished by marriage, nor does it lose its eligibility for making contracts, etc. She can sell and buy, rent her properties, buy properties, donate some of her money, give charity, deputise and dispute. These are matters attained only recently by the western woman, though she is still restricted in some countries by the husband's will.

Section 5: Divorce and Why Allah hates it

Why did Islam legislate divorce?

Not every divorce is commendable in Islam. Some cases of divorce are disliked or even forbidden because they entail destruction of the family, which Islam takes care to build and form. That is why it is recounted in the tradition which was transmitted through Abu Dawud, "The most hateful halal (permissible thing) to Allah is divorce". [Surah 2:102] No wonder the glorious Qur'an likens the separation between man and his wife to the work of heretic sorcerers, as the Almighty says: "And from these people learn that by which they cause separation between man and his wife". [Surah 4:130] Divorce according to Islamic Law is similar to a painful surgery; the sane human being endures the pains of his wound, even an amputation, in order to protect the remaining parts of the body to keep away greater injury. If the aversion between husband and wife is undiminished, and the means of reconciliation and attempts by reconciling parties fail to bring them together, divorce then is the bitter medicine which has no alternative. This is the reason why if there can be no reconciliation, there is divorce. The Glorious Qur'an says, "But if they separate (by divorce), Allah will provide abundance for everyone of the them from His Bounty". [Surah 4:130]

What Islam decrees here is what is dictated by reason, wisdom, and Muslims" interests. It is totally illogical and unnatural to force, by the power of law, a life partnership on partners who do not feel comfortable with each other and do not trust each other. On the contrary, they undergo feelings of repugnance; they hate each other and cannot tolerate living with each other. To force such a life by the power of law is a severe punishment, undeserved by man except for committing a major crime. It is worse than life imprisonment and is certainly like the unendurable hell. In olden times a wise man said, "One of the great calamities is to live with someone who does not agree with you, but does not leave you." Abu Al-Tayyeb Al-Mutanaby said:

Of the distressing matters in the world for the freeman, Is to perceive the inevitability of befriending a foe. If that is said about a companion one meets one or more times a week, for perhaps an hour or several hours a day, what about a wife who stays at his home, who is very close to him and is the partner of his life?

Limiting the circle of divorce

However, Islam has established a number of principles, teachings, and rules which, if followed and used with discretion, would lessen the need for divorce and limit its scope to a great extent. Some of these are considered:

1- To make a good choice of a wife, paying more attention to her religion and morals than her money, wealth and beauty. The Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) said, "A woman is married for four attributes, for her money, her family name, her beauty and her religion. Get the religious one and you will be comfortable". [ Mutafaq aley (agreed upon) on the authority of Abu Huraira The Pearl and the Coral (Al-Lu'lu' wal-Marjan) (928).] To behold the intended fiancee before the marriage contract to be reassured of the extent of her beauty in his own eyes and of her place in his heart, as this early view is the messenger of warmth and affection. For that reason, the Messenger (blessings and peace be upon him) said to a man who intended to marry a certain woman, "Go and behold her, for it is more likely it will lead to harmony between you". [ See The Concise Comprehensive Book of Sound Hadith (Sahih Al-Jame' As-Sagheer) and its supplement (859).] i.e., it will bring about warmth and harmony. This prophetic command, "Behold her," if it does not indicate obligation, it certainly indicates preference. The Hadiths (prophetic traditions) referring to the same meaning are numerous. Jabber said about the woman he married, "I used to hide underneath a tree till I saw of her what led me to marry her".

Unfortunately, there are some Muslims, especially in the Gulf region, who perceive the man's beholding his intended fiancee as an unprincipled act. Therefore, he does not see her except on the wedding day, though she may be a school or university student who goes to the market and is seen by all the people except her fiancé.

In contrast, there are those who allow the man to sit alone with his intended fiancee and allow them to go out together and frequent cinemas, etc. Thus, what is correct is lost between two extremes of exaggeration and licentious behaviour.

3- For the interested woman and her guardians to choose a husband of noble character and to prefer the one whose faith and morals are satisfactory. We have already mentioned the following Hadith, "If the man who satisfis you in faith and morals comes to you, let him marry (your daughter)." The predecessors said, "When you get your daughter married, let her marry a man of faith; if he loves her, he will treat her nobly, and if he hates her, he will not be unfair".

4- A woman's approval of the one who proposes is a condition of marriage. It is never allowed to force a woman to marry a person she does not want. The Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) dissolved the marriage of a woman who was married by force.

5- To consider the satisfaction and approval of the woman's guardian as obligatory or preferable, so that a woman does not marry while her people disapprove of the marriage or are dissatisfied with her, which would lead to estrangement between her and her family. Such estrangement might also be reflected on her married life and have a great effect on it.

6-To consult mothers about the marriage of their daughters in order that the marriage may be based on stable ground to the satisfaction of all parties. It is transmitted that the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) said, "Ask women about their daughters," as has already been mentioned in the Hadith and in the speech of Imam Al-Khattb in his report.

7- It is necessary to live together in marriage through mutual understanding, pointing out the details of rights and duties exchanged between the married couple, awakening the faithful consciences to adhere to Allah's Laws and to fear and obey Allah by following His Laws. The husband and wife each have duties in return for his or her rights. A Muslim is supposed to perform his or her duties before asking for his or her rights. The Almighty says: "And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them as regards obedience and respect, etc., to what is reasonable. [Surah 2:228]

8- To persuade the husband to be realistic so as not to seek perfection in his wife, but to consider her merits as well as her weak points. If he dislikes one trait, he will find another to satisfy him. In the Hadith, "No believer should loathe a woman who believes in Allah; if he hates one of her manners, he is satisfied with another". [ Transmitted by Ahmad and Muslim on the authenticity of Abu Huraira, Op. cit. (7741)]

9- To ask the husband to use his reason and consider the general welfare of all involved if he feels a fomenting hatred towards his wife. He should not hasten to yield to his emotion and should hope Allah changes his urge to something good. The Almighty says: "And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good". [Surah 4:19]

10- To command the husband to treat his disobedient, unruly wife with wisdom, progressing bit by bit from leniency, without weakness, to firmness, without violence. The Almighty says: "As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse them to share beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great". [Surah 4:34]

11 - To command the society to intercede when there is a breach between the husband and wife with a family council of the trustworthy persons of his relatives and hers, in an attempt to mend, reconcile and resolve the existing crisis through peaceful means. The Almighty has said: "If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbitrators one from his family and the other from hers; if they both wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Aquatinted with all things". [Surah 4:35]

These are the teachings of Islam. If Muslims follow them and keep them, divorce will be greatly limited.

When and how does divorce take place?

Islam, however, does not decree divorce at all times nor in all cases. Divorce is permissible, according to the Qur'an and the Sunna (prophetic traditions) when the man is not hasty and chooses a suitable time. For instance, he should not divorce his wife when she has her menstrual period, nor when she is purified of her menses if he has had intercourse with her. [ That is, if she is purifies of her menses (i.e. between her periods) and he had had intercourse with her, he should not divorce her until she has completed her next menstrual period. This will ensure she is not pregnant. (editor's note)] If he did, his divorce would not be according to the teaching (Sunna) of the Prophet and would be forbidden. Some jurisprudents have gone so far as to say the divorce is not valid then because it does not follow what the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) has commanded us to do. In the authentic Hadith, "Whoever did what we did not command, his deed is invalid". [Transmitted by Muslim (1718) on the authority of isha.] The man should be sober, in a well-balanced and judicious state. If he is not fully conscious, or forced, or in a state of wrath which causes him go beyond his intention and imagination and utter what he does not want to say, it is not considered valid. [ Transmitted by Abu Dawud (2193) and Ibn Majah (2046) on the authority of- isha.]

The noble Hadith says, "No divorce in blind rage." Abu Dawud interpreted it to mean "anger," while another interpreted it to mean "by force." Both are correct.

He should have the intention to divorce his wife and to be actually separated from her. But if he makes of the divorce an oath to swear with, blackmail or threaten, it will be invalid, as some ancient scholars have said. This is reiterated by the well-versed jurists Ibn Al-Qayyim and his Sheikh Ibn Taymeya.

If such types of divorce are not valid, what remains is the intended, premeditated divorce which is reflected upon and studied by the husband before approaching it, and which he sees as the sole cure for an unbearable life. This divorce is described by Ibn `Abbas as "the divorce which is only according to an aim (an intention). [ Mentioned by Al-Bukhari in Section 11, "Book of Divorce" (6/168) on the authority of Ibn Abbas.]

After divorce

However, when divorce takes place, it does not utterly cut off the marriage tie and make it irremediable. On the contrary, as mentioned in the Qur'an, divorce gives every divorced man two chances to go back and redeem the situation. If the divorces occur one after another, and if the two times do not succeed in changing their minds, the third divorce is the final and decisive one, after which the divorce cannot return to him unless she has first been married to another man (and widowed or divorced from him).

Therefore, putting the three chances given by Allah in one utterance is against the decree of the Qur'an. That is what is indicated and illustrated by the Sheikh of Islam Ibn Taymeya and his disciple Al-Qayyim, and what the Islamic Law courts accept in several Arab countries.

However, divorce does not deprive the divorced woman from taking maintenance during the legislated period that she stays without marriage (`iddah). [ Iddah is a waiting period. Its duration is usually (a) until she gives birth if she is pregnant, or (b) three menstrual cycles if she has regular periods, or three calendar months if she no menses. For details and exceptions, consult a book of Islamic jurisprudence (Fiquh). During the iddah the woman is not free to marry anyone else. If it is a reversible divorce, her husband may choose to take her back at any time during the iddah. If he does not take her back after the waiting period, the divorce is final and the woman is free to marry someone else, or she may go back to her husband with a new marriage contract, and he must Pay her a new dower. (editor's note)] Divorce does not allow the husband to dismiss her from her home, but forces the husband to let her stay in her house with him (in the same house); perhaps sentiments would return, hearts be purified and urges renewed: "it may be that Allah will afterward bring some new thing to pass (i.e. to return her back to you if that was the first or second divorce)". [Surah 65:1]

Moreover, didoes not allow the man to consume the woman's dower or take back what was given before: "And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back any of your Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) (from your wives) which you have given them". [Surah 2:229]

She also has the right of mut'a, the amount of which can be decided the social conventions. " And for divorced women, maintenance (should be provided) on reasonable (scale). This is a duty on Al-Mutaqeen (the pious)". [Surah 2:241] That is something general for every divorced woman to appease and compensate her. [ Muta is compensation or gift made in a lump sum rather than on-going maintenance. (editor's note)]

It is also forbidden for the divorced man to spread rumours about his ex-wife or to scandalise her or offend her or her family after divorce: "either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness" [Surah 2:229] "And do not forget liberality between yourselves". [Surah 2:237]

That is divorce as decreed by Islam. It is a cure as it should be, at the right time, in the right measure, in the right style and with the right aim.

On the other hand, Christianity has totally forbidden divorce for Catholics; except in the case of adultery, it is also forbidden by the Orthodox Church. Their reason is that what is united by Allah (whom they call God) cannot be separated (divorced) by man. As for Muslims, they believe that Allah unites and He is the One Who separates (divorces) through His decreed Laws. Allah makes Laws for His worshippers according to what is in their interest, and He is the One Who knows them better. The result is that many Christians have abandoned what is forbidden, which have obliged most Christian countries to set local laws allowing divorce without the restrictions, ties and morals of Islam. It is no wonder that many now get divorced for the most trivial reasons, and their married lives have been subjected to degeneration and collapse.

Why is divorce initiated by the man?

They ask, "Why is divorce initiated by the man alone?" The reply is that the man is the one in charge of the family and is its backbone. He is the one who pays the dower and what follows until the establishment of the family is built on his own shoulders. Therefore, it is very hard for him to destroy that establishment except for powerful reasons and inevitable necessities which would make him sacrifice all these expenses and absorb these losses. A man may be less hasty as he is less affected by emotions. As for the woman, she can be very affected by emotions, especially during the menses. What is more, it may not be in the parties" interests to leave the divorce to a court because not all the reasons for divorce are meant to be public, to be transmitted by lawyers and writers to become the subject of gossip on everyone's tongue. Yet, in the West divorce is achieved through court. This does not lessen divorce, nor does the court stand in the way of the man and woman who seek divorce.

How can an averse wife divorce her husband

This is an important question for a great number of people: "`If divorce is initiated by the man-and we already know the reasons and justifications for this-what, then, is decreed concerning a woman's initiating a divorce? What is her way to get rid of the injustice of the husband if she loathes life with him for his harsh temper, his ill conduct, or for not performing his duties in an obvious way? Or there could also be physical or financial impotence which prevents him from fulfilling these duties, or other reasons.

The answer is that the Judicious Law-Maker (i.e. Allah) has made several outlets for the woman through which she can overcome her dilemma:

1 - Her condition in the marriage contract to have divorce in her hands, which is eligible according to Abu Hanifa and Ahmad. In the authentic Hadith, "The truest condition is that which you made lawful, to have physical intercourse". [ Mutafaq aley (agreed upon) according Uqba Ibn Amer, The Pearl and the Coral (Al-Lu'lu' wal-Marjan) (2/894).]

2- By paying a ransom (Khul'). A woman who dislikes her husband can ransom herself by repaying what she took as a dower and things like that. It is not fair of her to be the one who wishes for the divorce and the destruction of the marriage bond; and then the husband becomes the only loser. Almighty Allah says:" Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allah, then there is no sin for either of them of she gives back (the mahr or part of it) for her al-khul' (divorce)". [Surah 2:229]

According to the prophetic traditions, Thabet Ibn Qais's wife complained to the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) of her strong loathing of her husband. The Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) asked her, "Would you give back his orchard?'1-which was her dower.- She answered, "Yes." The Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him) ordered Thabet to take back his orchard and nothing more. He asked the husband to utter one irreversible repudiation". [ Transmitted by Al-Bukhari (6/170). "Book of Divorce" division 112, on the authority of lbn Abbas.]

3- Divorce through two arbitrators when there is a breach between husband and wife. Allah has said: "If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife) appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from hers; if they both wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation". [Surah 4:35]

The Qur'an's calling that family council the "arbitrators" indicates that the two selected persons have the right to judge and decide. Some of the Prophet's Companions said to the arbitrators, "If you wish to unite them, then do so; and if you wish to divorce them, then do so."

4- Divorce for physicalimpotence. If the husband has a weakness which deprives him of having sexual intercourse, the wife can raise the matter to court for a divorce in order to prevent any harm touching her. In Islam, there should not be harm or any harming effect on others.

5- Divorce for injury falling on the wife. If the husband harmed his wife and hurt her, restricted her unfairly, such as by refusing to sustain her, for example, she can ask the judge to divorce her. In such a case, the judge will force a divorce to put an end to harm and injustice on her. The Almighty says: " But do not take them back to hurt them". [Surah 2:231]

The Almighty also says: "either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness". [Surah 2:229]

One of the injuries befalling a wife is to be struck without provocation. And some scholars of Islam have gone so far as to divorce a wife from her poor husband if he failed to sustain her and she asked for divorce. Islamic Law does not commit her to be patient when it comes to hunger with a poor husband if she does not accept it out of loyalty and nobility.

With these outlets, Islam has opened many doors for a woman to be liberated from the cruelty of some husbands and their being domineering without having the right to be. [ See "The Right of the Averse Wife in my book Contemporary Legal Opinions (Fataawa Mu'aserah), 2/361-366]

The laws laid down by men may be against the rights of women, but the Law decreed by Allah, the Creator of men and women, is a Law void of injustice or prejudice. It is perfect justice: "And who is better in judgement than Allah for a people who have firm Faith". [Surah 4:129]

The abuse of using divorce

It remains to say that a great number of Muslims have abused divorce and have set it in the wrong place, making of it a sword pointed at a wife's neck. They have used it as an oath to swear with about everything great or small. Moreover, many jurisprudents have widened the scope of divorce, even to include the divorce of the drunkard and the one in wrath, and also the forced one, though the Hadith says, "No divorce in blind rage". [ Transmitted by Abu Dawud - his own wording - (3133), Al-Termithy (1141), Al-Nisa'i, 7/63, Ibn Majah (1969), Al-Doramy p.539, and Ahmad, 2/347,471. All on the authority of Abu Huraira.]

Ibn `Abbas says, "Divorce is only according to an aim (an intention)." But they take seriously the three times a man mentions divorce in one utterance in a state of anger, meant to be a threat in a fight outside the house, though he is totally happy and satisfied with his wife However, what is indicated in the texts and the intentions of the forgiving nature of the Islamic Law, in order to establish a family and protect it, is to narrow the scope of divorce. It is not valid except by a certain utterance, at a certain time, with a certain intention. We owe this to Allah; that is what Imam Al-Bukhari and other predecessors perceived, and which has been confirmed by Ibn Taymeya and Al-Qayyim and others. This expresses the spirit of Islam. As to miscomprehension or misapplication of the rules of Islam, it is the responsibility of Muslims not of Islam.

Section 6: Looking good for your husband and Hygiene plays a BIG role in Marriage

"Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their prayers etc.).; (Al Baqarah 2:222)

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Cleanliness is half of faith and Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah) fills the scale, and SubhanAllah (Glory be to Allah) and Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah) fill up what is between the heavens and the earth, and prayer is a light, and charity is proof (of one's faith) and endurance is a brightness and the Qur'an is a proof on your behalf or against you. All men go out early in the morning and sell themselves, thereby setting themselves free or destroying themselves. (Sahih Muslim Book 2, Number 0432)

Cleanliness In Islam Is Of Three Kinds:

1. Purification from impurity (i.e. to attain purity or cleanliness, by taking a bath (ghusl) or performing ablution (wudoo) in states in which a bath or ablution is necessary or desirable according to Islamic Law).
2. To cleanse one's body, dress or place from an impurity of filth.
3. To remove the dirt or grime that collects in various parts of the body, such as cleaning the teeth and nostrils, the trimming of nails and the removing of armpit and pubic hair.

Types of Purification

O you who believe! When you intend to offer prayer, wash your faces and your hands (forearms) up to the elbows, rub (by passing wet hands over) your heads, and (wash) your feet up to ankles. If you are in a state of Janaba (i.e. post sexual relations), purify yourself (bathe your whole body).; (Al-Ma'idah 5:6)

GHUSL (A COMPLETE BATH) This is when all parts of the body are washed with water, including the mouth and the nose. WUDOO (A SIMPLE ABLUTION) This is when certain parts of the body are washed with water. For more information on this subject, please visit the following site The Prophet's Wudoo (Ablution): The superiority of ablution. And Al-Ghurr-ul-Muhajjalun (the parts of the body of the Muslims washed in ablution will shine on the Day of Resurrection and the angels will call them by that name) from the traces of ablution. Narrated Nu'aim Al-Mujmir:

"Once I went up the roof of the mosque along with Abu Huraira (RA): He performed ablution and said, "I heard the Prophet (S) saying, 'On the Day of Resurrection, my followers will be called Al-Ghurr-ul-Muhajjalun from the traces of ablution and whoever can increase the area of his radiance should do so (by performing ablution in the most perfect manner.'" (Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 1, Hadith No. 138)

Narrated Uthman ibn Affan:

"The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: 'He who performed ablution well, his sins would come out from his body, even coming out from under his nails.'" (Sahih Muslim, Book 2, Number 0476)

TAYAMMUM (PURIFICATION WITHOUT WATER) This method of purifcation, which does not require water, is used instead of ablution (Wudoo) and Ghusl in certain circumstances (i.e. such as no water is available, etc.). Allah (the Most High) says in the Quran (what is translated to mean): But if you are ill or on a journey or any of you comes from answering the call of nature, or you have been in contact with women (i.e. sexual intercourse) and you find no water, then perform Tayammum with clean earth and rub therewith your faces and hands. Allah does not want to place you in difficulty, but He wants to purify you, and to complete His Favor on you that you may be thankful.; (Al-Ma'idah 5:6)

Keeping The Fitrah

Section 7: What qualities are to be needed in your future husband?

The Prophet (saws) as a Husband:

Common Questions that Should be Asked During the Sit-Down Process

This is especially important for the new convert(s) to Islam. It will give them a general idea of the types of questions that
should be asked, as this process is fairly new to them. Generally the questions that are asked during the sit-down process
should be categorized into six categories:

The First: Academic Questions such as:
1.        Did you graduate from high school and if so, what year, which one and what was your GPA (i.e. grade point average)
2.        What did you do after graduation?
3.        What are your views regarding college and furthering our education?
4.        If we have children, how should they be educated (i.e. Public School/ Private School, Islamic or Secular)?
5.        What is your view regarding Islamic and secular education?

The Second: Health Questions such as:
1.        When was the last time you had a physical check-up?
2.        Do you have any physical and/or mental ailments or those which are hereditary? (please be specific!)
3.        Do you have any fertility issues? (i.e. irregular menses, thyroid etc.)
4.        Have you ever had any miscarriages/stillbirths, Cesarean sections or any other fetal distresses.
5.        Are you willing to have an AIDS/Sexually Transmitted Disease (i.e. STD) examination/screening before marriage?
6.        Do you have any health care coverage? And in the event of marriage, will your coverage insure me or am I responsible for my own
health insurance?
7.        Are you currently taking any medications, if so, what and why? And have you taken any in the past?
8.        Have you ever been hospitalized for anything? (i.e. operations that will jeopardize intimacy or any other aspect of the marriage)

The Third: Religious Questions such as:
1.        On a scale from one to ten (one being negligent and ten being overly extreme) how would you rate your religiosity?
2.        What is your creed (i.e. Aqeedah)?
3.        How long have you been a practicing Muslim/Muslimah?
4.        How long have you been wearing hijab? Do you wear it to work and if not, will you agree to do so in the event we are to get married?
5.        Do you pray all five prayers?
6.        Outside of work, do you perform your prayers in congregation in the Masjid (i.e. Mosque)? Of course this question is directed towards
the Muslim man
7.        Do you think it is important to attend lessons in the Masjid and if so, how often do you attend them?
8.        Do you believe in making sacrifices in order for your wife to increase in her Islamic knowledge (i.e. watching the children, providing
transportation etc.)
9.        What, if any, Islamic books have you completed in a class setting? (i.e. Aqeedah Wasitiyah, forty hadeeth, Three Fundemental
Principles etc.)
10.        How much of the Qur’an have you memorized? Can you recite Surah Al Fatihah for me?
11.        Can you read the Qur’an in Arabic? Can you teach the Qur’an to your wife and children?
12.        What do you know about the Islamic rulings regarding menses and post-partum bleeding? Of course this question would be directed
towards the sister.
13.        Do you know your rights as a Muslim wife?
14.        Do you know you rights as a Muslim man?
15.        Do you have any qualms with polygamy? If so what are they and will they affect your decision to marry me?
16.        Do you plan on practicing polygamy and if so why and when?
17.        Are you privy to the Islamic rulings regarding polygamy?
18.         What is Tawheed (i.e. monotheism)?

The Fourth: Familial Questions such as:
1.        Do you want children? If so, how many?
2.        Do you have any children prior to you accepting Islam or from a previous marriage?
3.        What is your idea of Islamic parenting?
4.        How would you describe your relationship with your children?
5.        How is your relationship with your mother and father or guardian(s)?
6.        What are the religious views of your parents and how do they feel about your acceptance of Islam?
7.        What is your view on your non-Muslim siblings (i.e. brothers and sisters) spending time with our Muslim children?
8.         Who is responsible for the tuition of my children from a previous marriage in the event we decide to put them in an Islamic school?
9.         Should I be consulted in the event you want to bring your children from a previous marriage over or to live with us?
10.       What is your view regarding physical discipline of the children?
11.       Do you use profanity when talking to your children?
12.       Do you believe in having leisure time set aside just for your wife and children?
13.       What do you know about the Islamic rulings regarding raising children (i.e. children’s Islamic rights: slaughtering, aqeeqah etc.)
14.       Will you educate your wife and children in the home and if so how?
15.       Will you allow your wife to have leisure time with her friends so as long as they don’t jeopardize her Islamic values and decorum?
16.       How long will it be before we start saving for Hajj?
17.       Do you have any intentions to relocate (i.e. Hijrah) to an Islamic country?
18.       In the event that we marry, do I move into your house or do you move into my house?
19.       Are you willing to relocate to another city or state?
20.       Are we raising our children to be student of knowledge or professionals (i.e. engineers, doctors etc.)

The Fifth: Financial Questions such as:
1.        Do you have any previous debts that will affect the way you provide for me?
2.        Do you owe any back payments in child support?
3.        Do you have a monthly budget?
4.        What are your financial obligations Islamically?
5.        Will you be willing to work? This is of course a question directed towards the sister.
6.        If I already have a career/job will you stop me from working?
7.        Will you request from me to use any of my financial earnings to assist you in your obligations?
8.        Is there a portion of our earnings that we will use for sadaqah (i.e. charity0?
9.        How often do you go clothes shopping?
10.      Describe the type of lifestyle you were accustomed to?
11.      Are you a spender or a saver?
12.      What are your financial goals both long term and short term?
13.      Do you have a job and how long have you been working there?
14.      Who is responsible for the miscellaneous bills incurred prior to marriage (i.e. cell phone bill, car insurance, car note etc.)
15.      Are you planning on owning your own home?
16.      Are we going to start a fund for our children’s college tuition?

The Sixth: Miscellaneous Questions such as:
1.        How are we different?
2.        Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage?
3.        How do you handle conflict?
4.        How will decisions be made?
5.        What are your expectations of our sexual relationship?
6.        Have you ever been in a serious long term relationship before?
7.        How long was your last marriage?
8.        What did you learn about yourself during your last marriage?
9.        Can you talk openly about everything?
10.      Can we pursue our own interests professionally?
11.      What do you dislike about yourself?
12.      What do you like about yourself and why?
13.      Why are we getting married?
14.      As a couple what do we want out of life?
15.      What is your view on showing affection?
16.       If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?
17.       Is there anything in your past that will affect our future?
18.       If you are wrong can you apologize and make amends?
19.       Have you ever been incarcerated before if so, for what and for how long?
20.       Do you believe in being violent when you get angry? 

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.  The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.  One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.  A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are.  The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.  The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc.  Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these  limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place?  Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences.  If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase,  the following guideline offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:


1) Do Not Marry Potential:  Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change.  This is the wrong approach on both accounts.  Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential.  There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them.  These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.


2) Choose Character over Chemistry:  While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love.  The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

• Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort.  They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
• Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money?  How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
• Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character.  You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.
• Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have.  They very rarely complain.

• You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about?  Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
• The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
• Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
• 
  

• Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
• Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
• Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.

• Do I respect and admire this person?  What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
• Do I trust this person?  Can I rely on them?  Do I trust their judgment?  Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
• Do I feel Safe?  Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?  Can I be vulnerable?  Can I be myself?  Can I be open?  Can I express myself?
• Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

• Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time.  Know the difference between suggestions and demands.  Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.

• Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc.  You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment.  Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds.  If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away.  Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

• Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside.  These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts.  They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them.  Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t.  They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them.  These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
• Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship.  Never marry an addict.  Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol.  They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc.  When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

1. The fact is no one looks 25 forever.  Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance.  When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
2. Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc.  We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
3. Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc.  Asking clear questions can clarify this.  Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?”  “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
4. Be flexible.  Be open-minded!
5. Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom.  It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
6. Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health.  The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship.  If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss.  Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage.  Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well.  Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.

The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

Section 8: What qualities you should posses to be a Pious Wife.

> Asma Radiallahu anha said to her daughter at the time of her marriage:
>
> "You are going to spend such a life where you shall have to live long and you are going to the bed of such a person who you have no acquaintance. You are going to love one with whom you had no love before. Make for him such a world, which will be heaven for you, prepare for him such a bed, which will be a pillar for you. Be such a slave for him that he may become your slave. Don't go willingly to him, lest you become to him an object of hatred. Don't remain far from him, lest he may forget you.When he remains near you, be near him, when he stays distant from you save your nose, ears and eyes.Let him not get from you except sweet smiles. Let him not hear from you except sweet words. Let him not see in you except beauty"
>
>
> This is very touching advice from a mother to her daughter, I am not aware of its source. here goes..
>
> 1. Lead a life of contentment. Be content even with simple food. The dry bread and water, which is eaten with contentment, is better than a rich meal, which is eaten after your persistant complaints, forcing him to grudgingly provide it for you.
>
> 2. Always listen attentively to what your husband says. Give importance to what he says and do as he says. In this manner, you will soon win a place in his heart, because it is not really a person who is beloved, but what the person does that is most loved.
>
> 3. Tend your beauty carefully so that whenever he will look at you, he will be pleased with his choice. Within the limits of decency, use as much fragrance as possible, and remember that no part of your body or dress should repulse him.
>
> 4. Be always attractive to him, put Surma in your eyes, for beautiful eyes make a person's whole being beautiful in the eyes of the beholder. Bath and do ablution regularly, as this is the best perfume and the best way to cleanliness.
>
> 5. Prepare his meals before it is time as hunger becomes a flame if not satisfied. During the hours of rest, keep it quiet and peaceful as disturbed sleep makes a man miserable and angry.
>
> 6. Protect his home and treasure; let no one enter the house without his permission and do not waste his treasure by indulging in exhibition, for treasure can only be tended through good management and the family only through good sense.
>
> 7. Never disobey him and always keep his secrets, for disobeying such a honourable man would put fuel to fire and revealing his secrets would destroy his trust in you. And you, yourself will not be safe from his (retaliatory) double standards. Someone has rightly said " To be trusted is better than to be loved."
>
> 8. If he is grieved over something, then do not mention to him anything that has pleased you. Share his grief. When he is happy, do not disclose your hidden grief and do not complain to your husband about his behaviour. Be happy with him. otherwise you will be regarded as one who confuses him.
>
> 9. If you wish to be respectable in his eyes, then honour and respect him and act according to his wishes. Then at every stage of your life you will find him to be your best companion.
>
> 10. Hold fast onto this advice from me. Sweet flowers will not blossom in your life as long as you do not suppress your wish for his pleasure. My dear daughter, my darling! I bid farewell with these words and give you in Allah's care. May He make all steps in your life good and preserve you from all evil. (Ameen)
>
> May Allah bless us with the ability to implement these advices into our married lives, and May Allah (swt) bless us with the ability to fulfill all the responsibilities and promises that come with the bond of marriage. Ameen

Section 9: Marriage Reunion (watch videos)

Section 10: Sex in Marriage

Section 11: Children

2 – The children’s rights. 

Allaah has given children rights over their parents just as the parents have rights over their children. 

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar said: “Allaah has called them abraar (righteous) because they honoured (barru) their fathers and children. Just as your father has rights over you, so too your child has rights over you. 

Al-Adab al-Mufrad, 94. 

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, according to a hadeeth narrated by ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar, “… and your child has rights over you.” Muslim, 1159. 

The child’s rights over their children include some that come even before the child is born, for example: 

1 – Choosing a righteous wife to be a righteous mother. 

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Marry the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4802; Muslim, 1466).

 Shaykh ‘Abd al-Ghani al-Dahlawi said: Choose from among women those who are religiously committed and righteous, and who are of good descent, for if a woman is of illegitimate descent, this bad characteristic may be passed to her children. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

 “The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulteress — fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress –fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik”

[al-Noor 24:3] 

Rather Islam recommends compatibility for the purpose of harmony and to avoid a person being shamed if he marries into a family that is not compatible. 

Sharh Sunan Ibn Maajah, 1/141 

Rights after the child is born: 

1 – It is Sunnah to do tahneek for the child when he is born: 

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The son of Abu Talhah was sick. Abu Talhah went out and the child died, and when Abu Talhah returned he said, “What happened to my son?” Umm Sulaym (his wife) said, ‘He is quieter than he was.” Then she brought him his dinner and he ate, then he had marital relations with her, and when he finished she said, “They buried the child.” The following morning, Abu Talhah went to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him what had happened. He said, “Did you have marital relations last night?” He said, “Yes.” He said, “O Allaah, bless them.” She later gave birth to a boy. Abu Talhah said to me, “Keep him until I bring him to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).” He brought him to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I sent some dates with him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) took him and said, “Is there anything with him?” They said, “Yes, some dates.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) took some and chewed it, then he took some from his mouth and put it in the child’s mouth (tahneek), and named him ‘Abd-Allaah. 

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5153; Muslim, 2144 

Al-Nawawi said: 

The scholars are agreed that it is mustahabb to do tahneek with dates for the child when he is born; if that is not possible then to use some similar kind of sweet. The dates should be chewed until they become soft enough to be swallowed, then the child’s mouth should be opened and a little of the dates put in his mouth. 

Sharh al-Nawawi ‘ala Muslim, 14/122-123 

2 – The child should be given a good name, such as ‘Abd-Allaah or ‘Abd al-Rahmaan. 

It was narrated from Naafi’ that Ibn ‘Umar said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most beloved of your names to Allaah are ‘Abd-Allaah and ‘Abd al-Rahmaan.”  

(Narrated by Muslim, 2132) 

It is mustahabb to give the child a Prophet’s name: 

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A child was born to me last night and I called him by the name of my father Ibraaheem.” 

Narrated by Muslim, 2315 

It is mustahabb to name the child on the seventh day, but there is nothing wrong with naming him on the day of his birth, because of the hadeeth quoted above. 

It was narrated from Samurah ibn Jundub that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every child is in pledge for his ‘aqeeqah which should be slaughtered for him on the seventh day, his head should be shaved and he should be named. 

Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2838; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4541 

Ibn al-Qayyim said: 

The purpose of naming is to define the thing named, because if there is something whose name is unknown it is difficult to refer to it. So it is permissible to name him (the child) on the day he is born, and it is permissible to delay the naming until the third day, or until the day of the ‘aqeeqah, or before or after that. The matter is broad in scope.” 

Tuhfat al-Mawlood, p. 111 

3 – It is Sunnah to shave the child’s head on the seventh day and to give the weight of the hair in silver in charity. 

It was narrated that ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) slaughtered a sheep as the ‘aqeeqah for al-Hasan, and he said, “O Faatimah, shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver in charity.” So she weighed it and its weight was a dirham or part of a dirham. 

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1519; classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1226. 

4 – It is mustahabb for the father to do the ‘aqeeqah, as stated in the hadeeth quoted above, “Every child is in pledge for his ‘aqeeqah.” 

Two sheep should be sacrificed for a boy and one for a girl. 

It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded them (to sacrifice) two similar sheep for a boy and one for a girl.  

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1513; Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1221; Abu Dawood, 2834; al-Nasaa’i, 4212; Ibn Maajah, 3163 

5 – Circumcision 

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The fitrah is five things, or five things are part of the fitrah: circumcision, shaving the pubic hairs, plucking the armpit hairs, clipping the nails and trimming the moustache.”

 Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5550; Muslim, 257 

The child’s rights with regard to education and upbringing: 

It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The ruler who is in charge of people is a shepherd and is responsible for them. The man is the shepherd of his household and is responsible for them. The woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and child and is responsible for them. The slave is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” 

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2416; Muslim, 1829. 

So parents must take care of teaching their children the duties of Islam and other virtues that are recommended in sharee’ah, and worldly matters that they need in order to live a decent life in this world. 

The man should start by teaching them the most important things, then the next most important. So he starts by teaching them correct ‘aqeedah, free from shirk and bid’ah. Then he teaches them the acts of worship, especially prayer. Then he teaches them and trains them in good manners and characteristics, and everything that is good. 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And (remember) when Luqmaan said to his son when he was advising him: “O my son! Join not in worship others with Allaah. Verily, joining others in worship with Allaah is a great Zulm (wrong) indeed”

[Luqmaan 31:13] 

It was narrated from ‘Abd al-Malik ibn al-Rabee’ ibn Sabrah from his father that his grandfather said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Teach the child to pray when he is seven years old, and smack him if he does not pray when he is ten.” 

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 407; Abu Dawood, 494. Classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4025 

It was narrated that al-Rubayyi’ bint Mu’awwidh said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent word on the morning of Ashoora’ to the areas where the Ansaar lived (on the outskirts of Madeenah), saying: Whoever did not fast this morning, let him not eat for the rest of the day, and whoever started fasting this morning, let him complete his fast. She said: We used to observe this fast after that, and we used to make our children fast and make them toys of wool; if one of them cried for food we would give him that toy until it was time to break the fast. 

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1859; Muslim, 1136 

It was narrated that al-Saa’ib ibn Yazeed said: I was taken for Hajj with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when I was seven years old. 

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1759 

Training in good manners and characteristics: 

Every father and mother should train their children in praiseworthy characteristics and good manners, whether towards Allaah, His Prophet the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), towards their Qur’aan and ummah, and with everyone whom they know and who has rights over them. They should not behave badly with those whom they mix with, their neighbours or their friends. 

Al-Nawawi said: 

The father must discipline his child and teach him what he needs to know of religious duties. This teaching is obligatory upon the father and all those in charge of children before the child reaches the age of adolescence. This was stated by al-Shaafa’i and his companions. Al-Shaafa’i and his companions said: This teaching is also obligatory upon the mother, if there is no father, because it is part of the child’s upbringing and they have a share of that and the wages for this teaching may be taken from the child’s own wealth. If the child has no wealth then the one who is obliged to spend on him may spend on his education, because it is one of the things that he needs. And Allaah knows best. 

Sharh al-Nawawi ‘ala Saheeh Muslim, 8/44 

The father should bring them up with good manners in all things, eating, drinking, dressing, sleeping, going out of the house, entering the house, riding in vehicles, etc, and in all their affairs. He should instill in them the attributes of a good man, such as love of sacrifice, putting others first, helping others, chivalry and generosity. He should keep them away from evil characteristics such as cowardice, stinginess, lack of chivalry, lack of ambition, etc. 

Al-Manaawi said: 

“Just as your parents have rights over you, so too your child has rights over you, rather many rights, such as teaching them the individual obligations, teaching them Islamic manners, giving them gifts equally, whether that is a gift, a waqf, or other gift. If preference is shown with no reason, that is regarded as invalid by some of the scholars and as makrooh by others. 

Fayd al-Qadeer, 2/574 

He must also protect his sons and daughters from everything that may bring them close to the Fire. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are commanded”

[al-Tahreem 66:6] 

al-Qurtubi said: 

al-Hasan commented on this verse by saying, Command them and forbid them. One of the scholars said: (The phrase) Ward off (or protect) yourselves includes children, because the child is part of him, as it says in the verse (interpretation of the meaning): “…nor on yourselves, if you eat from your houses…” [al-Noor 24:61], where the various relatives are not mentioned individually. So he should teach him what is halaal and what is haraam, and make him avoid sin, and teach him other rulings. 

Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 18/194-195. 

Spending: 

This is one of the father’s obligations towards his children; it is not permissible for him to fall short in that or to neglect this matter, rather he is obliged to do this duty in the fullest sense. 

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is sufficient sin for a man if he neglects those on whom he is obliged to spend.” 

Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1692; classed as sahan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4481. 

Another of the greatest rights is to give the child a good upbringing and take good care of him or her – especially in the case of girls. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged this righteous deed. 

It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah the wife of the Prophet (S) said: A woman came to me with two daughters and asked me for food, and I could not find anything except one date which I gave to her. She shared it between her two daughters, then she got up and went out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came in and I told him what had happened. He said: “Whoever is in charge of any of these girls and treats them well, they will be a shield for him against the Fire.” 

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5649; Muslim, 2629 

Another important matter which is one of the rights of children to which attention must be paid, is treating children fairly. This right was referred to by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the saheeh hadeeth: “Fear Allaah and treat your children fairly.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2447; Muslim, 1623). It is not permissible to show preference to females over males, just as it is not permissible to show preference to males over females. If the father makes this mistake and shows preference to some of his children over others, and does not treat them fairly, this will lead to many evils, such as: 

The harm that befalls the father himself, for the children whom he denies or deprives will grow up to hate him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) referred to this in the hadeeth narrated by Muslim (1623) when he said to the father of al-Nu’maan, “Would you like them to honour you equally?” He said, “Yes.” In other words, if you want them all to honour you equally, then be fair in giving gifts to them. 

Another evil consequence is the children hating one another, and stoking the flames of hatred and enmity between them. 

And Allaah knows best.

Section 12: FAQ/ Misconceptions of a Muslim Marriage

Section 13: E-Books 

Section 14: Lectures