Content

Section 1: Family  in Islam

Section 2: The Rights of your Parents

Section 3: The Rights of Children

Section 4: The Rights of a Sister/ Brother

Section 5: The Rights of a Daughter

Section 6: The Rights of a Wife

Section 7: The Rights as a Mother

Section 8: The Rights of your Husband

Section 9: The Ideal Muslima

Section 10: Muslim Qualities at Home

Section 11: Misconceptions of Muslim Families

Section 12: E-Books

Section 13: Lectures

Section 1: Family  in Islam

Family: The Building Blocks of Society

Saulat Pervez

Mr. and Mrs. Siddiq migrated to the United States in the late 1980s from Pakistan. Sponsored by Mrs. Siddiq’s brother, they had a clear and simple goal: to avail better educational opportunities for their four children in the New World.

Muhammad Uthman came to the United States as a masters student in the mid-1990s. He studied computer engineering at a prestigious university, intending to return to his native Egypt. As it turned out, he met his future wife, a Syrian American, and decided to stay.

Mary Kief was one of two siblings born to an Arab father and an American mother. With very little contact with her paternal family, Mary thought little about her identity except as a born-and-bred American. However, things began to change once she started attending college, embarking herself on a journey of self-discovery.

The above three examples aptly characterize the diversity of Muslim families inhabiting the United States. While many have converged here from different parts of the world, others have no sense of “back home.” Still others find Islam in their search for the truth and thence begin their legacy as Muslim families.

Family in Islam
The family unit is an important component of Islam, and all elements of a family are given due significance – from parents to children to spouses to kith and kin.

Parents
The Holy Quran repeatedly reminds its readers of the duties children have toward parents, particularly in their old age. God says in the Quran:

And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "Ugh" nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." (Quran, 17:23-24)

Of the two, the mother is given greater importance in Islam. The Quran bears witness to the mother’s travails by stating, “with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months…” (46:15)

One of the traditions of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) strongly supports this as well. A companion once asked the Prophet, “Who deserves my good treatment most?” “Your mother,” said the Prophet. “Who next?” “Your mother,” he replied again. “Who next?” “Your mother,” he answered yet again. “Who after that?” “Your father.”

Obeying one's parents and treating them with respect and affection are greatly esteemed virtues, even if they are non-Muslim. A female companion of the Prophet once asked him how she should treat her mother who was not a Muslim and followed pagan tribal customs and beliefs. Prophet Muhammad told her to be kind and considerate and to behave towards her as was a mother’s due from a daughter.

Yet, one’s obedience to parents does not overlay one’s obedience to God. He says, “…and if they contend with you that you should associate (others) with Me, of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them, to Me is your return, so I will inform you of what you did.” (29:8)

Children
Islam further advises parents to treat their children with mercy, love, and equality. In addition, parents must provide proper education to their children along with raising them to be morally upright and responsible individuals of society. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has said the best gift a father can give his child is good education. The Prophet (pbuh) also laid great emphasis on proper treatment of daughters and promised the reward of paradise for parents who raise their daughter(s) well. At the same time, God calls for moderation in the Quran:  “O you who believe! Let not your wealth, or your children, divert you from the remembrance of Allah; and whoever does that, these are the losers.” (63:9)

Importance of Marriage
Marriage is a sacred social contract between a man and a woman. Like all great religions, Islam also emphasizes the institution of marriage. God says in the Holy Quran: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

In addition, the Quran beautifully describes the depth of a marital relationship by invoking the metaphor of “garments” for the husband and wife: “They are your garments and you are their garments.” (2:187) Moreover, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has specifically mentioned marriage to be of his traditions and even equated it to completing half of one’s faith.

Homosexuality
References to marriage within the Quran and sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) are unmistakably heterosexual. In fact, homosexuality is strictly forbidden in Islam. The story of Lot is repeatedly mentioned in the Quran and the behavior of his people is termed indecent, excessively sinful, lewd, evil, and shameful. While Muslims do not discriminate against gays and lesbians as human beings, they detest their homosexuality as something which transgresses the bounds set by God from the beginning of time. In this vein, orthodox Christianity and Judaism continue to strongly condemn homosexuality as well.

The Process of Marriage
While the concept of dating does not exist in Islam and intercourse prior to marriage is prohibited, the Islamic notion of marriage recognizes the need to determine compatibility between future spouses. For instance, when marrying their eldest daughter, Sarah, the Siddiqs made sure she and her suitor were given an opportunity to speak with one another with moderated supervision before either side made a commitment. Once they were engaged, the two continued a dialogue via phone and email.

Spouses are selected in different ways. Some marriages, like Sarah’s, are “arranged.” Other individuals find their own partners through interaction with each other, as in the case of Muhammad Uthman and his wife, Eman, who met on campus and took a liking for one another. Through it all, the focus is on the immediate goal of marriage. In this way, Islam strives to keep the spirit of matrimony alive: a union not only of two distinct persons, but their diverse viewpoints, their unique backgrounds and their extended families as well; a pledge to interweave their hitherto autonomous lives, hopefully successfully, and to continue the legacy onward.

Contrary to popular beliefs, Islam does not avow forced marriages irrespective of the gender; in fact, a marriage is incomplete without express approval by both the bride and groom. In practice, arranged marriages in Islam refer to the process where a third party introduces two families with children of marriageable age.

Weddings are festive occasions involving family and friends and may last for several days, depending on one’s culture. Yet, the essence of marriage lies in the nuptial contract signed by both the bride and groom after verbal affirmation to marry one another, which is overseen by two witnesses. This ceremony is called the “nikah” and it binds the two as husband and wife. An after-marriage feast called a “walima” is hosted by the husband, as was the custom of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).

Marriage: Related Topics
Interestingly, the convention to change one’s name to their husband’s continues to exist in many Muslim countries, but practicing American Muslim women are increasingly choosing to keep their maiden names, understanding that no matter who they marry, they will foremost be their father’s daughters. They take their cue from the following words of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh): “You will be called on the Day of Resurrection by your names and the names of your fathers…” The women at the time of the Prophet (pbuh), including his own wives, were all known by the names of their fathers, not their husbands. Following this tradition, Mary Kief decided to keep her last name after marriage without any objections from her husband.

Moreover, Islamically, the wife is free to keep her income since the husband is expected to provide for the upkeep of the home and family. In actuality, though, many couples maintain joint bank accounts and share the burdens of the home together. Divorce, while discouraged, is a social reality which is accepted and legalized. The wife or the husband may initiate the annulment process, which involves months-long negotiations with arbiters from both sides in the hopes of mending the relationship before a final decision is reached.

Polygamy
Although polygamy is practiced by a minority among Muslims, it is by no means the norm. Islam permits men to marry up to four wives at a time and this custom is more prevalent in some cultures than others. If a man chooses to have more than one wife, he must deal with all of them with justice. The Quran states: “…marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…” (4:3) Limitless polygamy has been practiced in a variety of cultures; however, Islam humanizes this practice with a limited allowance, recognizing a variety of factors, such as a higher ratio of women in certain countries, the toll of war and excessive male deaths in a society, and offering a legitimate and protective solution against the social evil of adultery.

Carrying the Legacy Forward
Having children is often the natural next step for many Muslim couples although some choose to wait a few years before conceiving whereas others are unable to do so – as is pretty much the case with people all over the world. Naming the child can become a family affair with the involvement of grandparents at times, whereas some couples opt to name their own children. On the seventh day after the child is born, a religious sacrifice of slaughtering is performed and the baby’s head is shaved, giving the monetary equivalence of the weight of his/her hair in charity. This ceremony, called an “aqeeqah,” may instead be conducted on the 14th, 21st, 28th (etc.) day of the baby’s birth.

Extended Family
The Qur’an repeatedly stresses the significance of safeguarding the ties of the womb. Two examples:

"And give to the kindred his due." (Al-Isra’: 26)
"Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents, kins-folk..." (An-Nisa’: 36)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has similarly instructed, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should maintain good relation with his kindred.”

Even as Muslim couples embark on their lives together, maintaining strong ties with their extended families is an important aspect of their lifestyles. Some couples live in a joint family system; others prefer to live as nuclear families and may reside in close proximity to either set of parents or a great distance away depending on job locations, chosen community, or preference of state. Nonetheless, frequent family reunions, particularly during summer holidays or weddings, are common. Many visit their countries of origin for this purpose.
Conversely, families abroad also regularly visit their American counterparts.

The Siddiqs have been living in the States for more than two decades now and no matter how nostalgic Mr. and Mrs. Siddiq may get when they talk about Pakistan, their children cannot imagine a home other than America. They have lived up to their parents’ expectations and are not only productive citizens, but also committed to giving back to their community. Sarah, the eldest, is a teacher; Zafar is a software programmer; Haider is an architect, and Hala is just completing her dental college. They have all married and are managing their own families, jobs and community responsibilities, carrying their parents’ legacy forward. As a family, the Siddiqs are planning to visit Pakistan next year for a big reunion with their Pakistani relatives after many years.

Muhammad Uthman and Eman have come a long way too. Uthman, a successful software analyst, routinely participates in community events hosted by his local mosque. Eman, a writer, chooses to stay home and works on a freelance basis. She also keeps herself busy in the philanthropic activities of the mosque, from organizing Quran study circles to participating in soup kitchens; she is an active member of their local public library as well where she volunteers her time on a weekly basis. In addition, she teaches at the weekend Islamic school which their two children regularly attend. Uthman’s parents visit them every other year for a few months; while they initially enjoy the peace and quiet of American suburbia, they eventually long for the hubbub of their urban lifestyle and are happy to return to their home.

Mary Kief is now an accomplished doctor with a family of her own. She has undergone quite a journey ever since her first year in college when she roomed with an amiable Muslim girl. When her roommate invited her to attend a lecture being hosted by the Muslim Student Association (MSA), Mary reluctantly went. The lecture was titled, “Islamic History: A Glorious Past.” Mary was so fascinated that she called her father and told him all about it. She began doing her own research and started to understand her Arab ancestry. That summer, she even forced her parents to take her to Jordan, her father’s home country. She was happy there but, somehow, not satisfied. She returned to her campus and began attending more and more MSA meetings, feeling truly at home with her Muslim friends. During med school and afterwards, she has stayed connected to the local mosque. Today, she is aware of her mixed heritage and proud of the fact that her own family is a melting pot of sorts, with one common strand: no matter where they come from, they are American Muslims!


The families profiled in this article are fictionalized; however, their life accounts, in spirit, can easily be applicable to a wide variety of American Muslim families.

Section 2: The Rights of your Parents

Parent-Child Relationship in Islam
By (Dr.) I. A. Arshed

(1) Rights of Parents (and Duties of children)
Islam recognises family as a basic social unit. Along with the husband-wife relationship the Parent-child relationship is the most important one. To maintain any social relationship both parties must have some clear-cut Rights as well as obligations. The relationships are reciprocal. Duties of one side are the Rights of the other side. So in Parent-child relationship the Rights of parents are the obligations (duties) of the children and vice versa, the Rights of children are obligations (duties) of parents. Islam clearly defines the Rights of Parents (which mean duties of children) and obligations of parents (which means Rights of children).

It is clear that after Allah parents are the persons who give us innumerable favors. They provide protection, food and clothing to the newly born. The mother sacrifices her comforts and sleep to provide comfort to her children. The father works hard to provide for their physical, educational and psychological (and spiritual) needs. It is a matter of common courtesy that if a person does you some favor you feel obliged to him. Verbally you say ‘thank you’ to him. You try to repay and compensate him for his gifts and favors. You feel a sense of gratitude towards him. So it is with Allah and with parents. Allah’s favors cannot be counted or repaid except by thanking Him and obeying His orders. After Allah our parents deserve our thanks and obedience for the favors they had done us. That’s why Quran lays stress on feeling grateful to parents, and doing good to them. “And your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none save Him and shall do your parents a good turn.” What does a ‘good turn’ mean? It includes obeying them, speaking softly, avoiding harsh words or harsh tone, giving them company when they are lonely, caring for their physical and psychological needs (especially in their old age), and praying to Allah that He may bless them and have mercy on them.

As between parents the mother has more rights than the father. The reason is apparent. Mother has borne the child’s burden during pregnancy, has undergone birth pains in delivering the baby, has sacrificed her own comforts to provide comfort to her children, has looked after them and felt worried for their well-being. That is why mother deserves our good treatment more than the father. A Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) tells us that a Companion asked the Prophet, “ Who deserves my good treatment most?” “Your mother”, said the Prophet. “Who next?” “Your mother”. “Who next?” “Your mother”. “Who after that?” “Your father”. This means that the mother deserves three times more good treatment from her children than the father deserves. Another Tradition wants us to extend kind treatment to close relations on the mother’s side also (even to her friends). A famous Hadith (Tradition) says, “Paradise lies under the feet of the mother”. This means doing good to our mother lead us to Paradise.

As to the reward for doing good to our parents a Hadith mentions the following story: “Three persons of ancient days were once travelling in a mountaneous region. The rain, thunder and lightning made them take refuge in a cave. Mudslide made a stone block the opening to the cave. The persons were entrapped inside. When the storm stopped they tried to push back the heavy stone to get out of the cave but they could not. They wondered ‘what to do now’. At last seeing that their joint efforts also cannot move the stone they decided to pray to Allah sincerely. One of them suggested, ‘each one of us should relate one good thing he has done in his life and beg Allah to move the stone. One said, “One night my old mother asked me to bring a cup of milk for her. During the time I milched the goat and brought it to her she had gone to sleep. I did not think it proper to disturb her. So I stood by her bedside for the whole night till she got up in the morning and then I offered her the cup of milk. O God, if this act of mine was approved by You please shift this stone.” The stone slipped a little but not enough to let them get out. Similarly, the second and the third man mentioned an act of goodness and prayed to God to shift the stone. The stone slipped down and the entry to the cave opened up. So the men got out. This story shows how service to one’s parents leads to blessings from God and rescue from troubles. Now let us summarize the Rights of Parents (Duties of children):

(1) Right to be respected and obeyed:
Parents have a right to be respected and obeyed by children. All parents are well wishers of children. They issue orders and instructions that are in the best interest of children (though children might think ottherwise). So it is the duty of children to obey their orders and act accordingly. Some children listen to parental orders but do not act upon these or show laziness in carrying out these orders. This causes annoyance to parents. Children should remember that annoying one’s parents can lead to God’s wrath.

(2) Right to scold and rebuke:
It is instinctive obligation of parents to protect their children from physical and moral harm. If a small child puts its hand in fire it is natural urge for you to push the child back, even if the child does not want. It is in child’s interest. So it is with parents. They are duty bound to protect their children in every way, physical, intellectual, moral. If the children have a temptation to do an act that is not in their long-term interest it is the duty of the parents to keep them back from that act or behavior. To this end they may resort to advice, rebuke, scolding, even hitting them. Good children should take all this ‘harshness’ in their own interest. If parents scold them they should bear it calmly. No rude replies, no arguing, no explanations, no comments unless asked for. Parental advice should be listened to and acted upon, even if against children’s own wishes.

(3) Right to be looked after.
Parents have looked after the children for decades. So it is the duty of grown-up children to repay them by way of caring for them and looking to their physical and financial needs. A Quranic verse says: “People ask you (O Prophet) how should they spend. Say, ‘whatever you spend should be spent on Allah (in good cause), on parents, near relatives, on orphans, destitutes and travelers (who fall short of money in foreign lands)”.

(4) Right to be helped:
As parents grow old their energies also decline. So it is the duty of children to help their parents in any household chore in which they can help. Sons can help in lifting heavy things, cleaning home, arranging things etc. Daughters can help in mother’s household work—cooking, washing, cleaning, serving food etc. With good children such help should come automatically, not when asked for. Whenever you see your mother or father doing something extend a helping hand to her/him without their asking. This is what Islam expects from children.

(5) Right to kind words/good behaviour:
Quran urges children to be soft-spoken towards parents and show respect and kindness in their behavior towards parents.
Unforunate as it is, the Western societies have forgotten these lessons. Young children are rude towards parents and show disobedience. As the parents grow old they drive them out from their homes and put them in “Senior Citizens Homes”. Grown up children cannot spare time to attend to the needs of old parents. The busy Western life has led to a break-up of the family unit (so much upheld in Islam). As Muslims we expect our children to adhere to Islamic values and show respect, obedience, kindness, leniency and care towards parents, especially in their old age. Children must not forget the favors and sacrifices of their parents. As good mannered persons they must feel and remain obliged towards parents and try to repay them by kind words and deeds, even with money and material needs. These are the Rights of Parents due from their children (or the Duties of Children towards parents). These Rights and obligations are not found in Islam only. Such values are to be found in all true religions. Quran mentions Hazrat Yahya (John the Baptist) as “kind towards his parents, not tough and disobedient”. Similarly Hazrat Isa (Jesus) is quoted saying to his people, “God made me kind towards my mother (Mary) and did not make me tough and disobedient”. Hazrat Yousuf (Joseph), as a royal Minister in Egypt, called his old, poor parents from their far off home and offered them seats on a high platform (he did not feel shy of behaving in a kind manner to poor parents in the presence of his officials).

Section 3: The Rights of Children

 (2) Rights of Children

Now let us see the other side of the coin. We have mentioned that Parent-child relation is a reciprocal one. The Rights of Parents (discussed above) are the Duties of children. Now let us see what are the Rights of Children (and Duties of Parents) in Islam. These can be summarized as under:
(1) Children have the right to be fed, clothed and protected till they grow up to adulhood. It is, primarily, the duty of the father to do that. Mother can provide help if necessary. Protection means protection against physical as well as moral and intellectual harm. Parents are duty bound to see that the child’s personality develops in all fields. So if the parents have to resort to strictness for the sake of disciplining the children and protecting them from intellectually, morally and religiously undesirable behaviour, children should not resent their strictness. Let them perform their duty as parents. Children’s duty is not to protest or be rude but to listen and obey. “Their’s not to question why; their’s but to do and die”.

(2) Right to education.
In Islam education is not limited to bookish knowledge but includes moral and religious training also. It means healthy all-round growth of child’s personality. Parents must not only provide for children’s education in schools and colleges but should also take personal interest in their studies, helping them if they can. This gives children a feeling of ‘working with the parents’ and encourages them in studies. Parents should sacrifice their own comfort and social activities and must spare some time to take interest in children’s studies, especially when they are young. Leaving children to the mercy of teachers or tutors is not a wise policy. And of course, parents should not forget or neglect imparting religious/moral training to children. A little sacrifice on part of parents will save children from moral disasters. Effective moral training comes not from sermons, advice and precepts but from parents’ personal examples of good behaviour. It is a famous Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) that acquisition of knowledge is a must for every Muslim boy and girl. Another Hadith says, “The best of you is one who gives a good education (intellectual and moral) to his children”. Another Hadith lays stress on education of daughters. The Prophet (PBUH) once said, “He who provides good upbringing to 3 daughters shall go to Paradise”. A man asked, “what if one has only two daughters”. “He also shall go to Paradise”. Another man asked, “and what if one has only one daughter?” “He too”, replied the Prophet (PBUH).

(3) Right to love and affection:
Children have many psychological needs also. Small children need to be loved, caressed, kissed and hugged. The Prophet loved children greatly. He would allow his grandsons Hassan and Hussain (R.A) to ride his shoulders even during his prayers. In streets he would offer ‘salaam’ to children, play and cut jokes with them. Sometimes he would even kiss small children in the street. Once a Bedouin saw the Prophet kissing a small kid. Out of wonder he said, “I have eight children but I never kiss them”. The Prophet remarked, “What can I do if Allah has taken away love and compassion from your heart”. The Prophet would show special kindness to orphaned children. Some parents believe that being frank with children is not good from discipline point of view. This is wrong. Love and leniency can do much that fear and strictness cannot do. If leniency leads to rudeness on the part of children it should be mixed with strictness. That will tell the children that parents are basically kind but can be tough if children show rudeness and bad manners. Over-protection and over-care are undesirable. Let the child grow up as a responsible person. Only provide them guidance.

(4) Right to be well provided (materially)
A Hadith says, “It is better for parents to leave their children well provided (financially) than to leave them in poverty”. This means that parents should not spend all that they have on their own comforts and luxuries but must make provisions for children’s welfare after the parents die. These are brief outlines of the Rights and Duties of both parties in the Parent-child relationship. If the parents and children act according to these guidelines they can make the family environment most conducive to peace and satisfaction for the parents and healthy personality growth for children. May Allah bless us all. AMEN.

RAISING CHILDREN WITH DEEN AND DUNYA
by Hina Khan-Mukhtar

I still vividly remember the first night I spent by myself in the hospital after delivering my eldest son Shaan. The guests were gone for the day, the hallway lights were dimmed, the nurses were speaking outside my room in muted tones.

“Knock, knock!” came a cheerful voice from the doorway. “Someone’s hungry and wants his mommy!”

The nurse wheeled in the crib that held my newborn, only a few hours old at the time. She cooed over him as I struggled to sit up, then efficiently handed him into my waiting arms, bustling out of the room after giving me a few words of encouragement.

I pulled the blanket away from his cheek and smiled in awe at this fragile, little creature who was being left alone with me for the first time ever. I felt privileged to be trusted with his care, overwhelmed with the weight of responsibility. No one was watching over my shoulder; he was all mine and I could do whatever I wanted.

I felt it was an appropriate time to take care of something that no one had thought of arranging so far — introductions.

“Assalaamu alaikum,” I whispered to the warm bundle nestled against my chest, “I’m your mommy.” I stroked his face and then asked the rhetorical question that every mother has asked since time immemorial. “Now…how am I going to raise you?”

It’s a question that I have continued to ask since that first magical night in the maternity ward.

I’ve asked it of grandparents, parents, sons, and daughters. I’ve asked it of Pakistanis, Indians, Afghans, Arabs, Americans, Asians, and Africans. I’ve sat people down at parties, emailed friends’ parents, called up aunties on the telephone, and stopped uncles on their way out the door. Any family whose practice of Islam has impressed me, any child whose manners have stunned me, any teenager whose conduct with his or her sibling has given me reason for pause, any adult whose balance of deen (religion) and dunya (world) has wowed me, I have accosted and asked,

“What exactly did your parents do with you?!”
“How did you raise your children?!”
“I beg you, tell me the secret of bringing up Mu’mineen (believers) like the ones I see in your home!”

What I have found in my years of “field research” is that nearly all of these families have stumbled upon the same basic secrets to success. While many of them don’t necessarily know one another, time and time again they have given me the same advice, the same tips, the same rules. I would catalogue their stories in my head, thinking I could easily remember them later. So when I was recently approached with the request for an article on Muslim parenting tips, I jumped at the chance to put it all down in writing and thus preserve the valuable insights I have gathered over the course of the past twelve years or so.

Here then, for my benefit and yours, are the tips from the “experts”, the tried-and-true heroes who have worked hard at (and, insha’Allah, succeeded at) securing their children’s minds, hearts, and souls. These words come from those parents — like you — whose primary purpose in life has been to direct their sons and daughters onto the Path they believe will earn them the Pleasure of their Creator and the respect of their fellow human beings. Some of the advice may seem “common sense”, the type you could hear on any daytime talk show or read in any self-help book. Other tips genuinely surprised me at how specific and unyielding they were in their insistence that “This is the only way”. While there has been a whole variety of advice given to me, I have noticed a pattern emerging where the same ten “Rules of the Game” seem to keep reappearing in different shapes and forms; those dominant tips are the ones that I have chosen to focus on for the purpose of my article.

I have seen with my own eyes children under the age of ten who willingly set their own alarms to get up for Tahajjud prayer. I have hosted a young soccer marvel in my home who begins his day before mine by reciting Quran at Fajr. I know of an Ivy League university student who insisted on turning the car around because she realized she had left home without giving her mother salaams (farewell wishes). I have been acquainted with doctors who make more money in a single month than most people make in a single year yet choose to live in small homes with no mortgages so that their salaries can be spent supporting scholars of Islam. My husband and I work with a young man who once flew with his mother from California to Jordan, then turned around and returned on the next flight home — all of this so that his single mother didn’t have to travel across the world alone. I have witnessed fourth graders who were able to sit quietly with impeccable etiquette in front of Muslim scholars while the adults around them stretched, yawned, and sighed. I have heard children silence their young friends with urgent reminders, “Don’t say that about him! It’s backbiting!”

A sign of someone whom Allah loves is that when you see him/her, you remember Allah. The examples I have listed here are all people who have caused me to wonder about my own station with Allah in relation to theirs; they have motivated me to at least try to change, to improve. I’m sure readers will agree that, although Allah Alone knows the hidden reality of hearts, these people at least seem to have triumphed both in their embodiment of the true spirit of Islam and in their practical participation in the dunya. I pray that Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala will continue to send examples like them into our lives so that we may continue to learn and implement that which draws us closer to Him. Aameen.

1.) Dua, Dua, Dua

“None of this is from us,” insists one mother of three UC Berkeley graduates who have never voluntarily missed a single prayer. “Everything begins and ends with dua. It is only by His Generosity that we have been blessed with believing children; we had nothing to do with it. Now that we have it, we try to hold onto it by showing gratitude and not taking it for granted.”

Every single family I have “interviewed” about raising children in this day and age inevitably began by reminding me about the power of supplication. “Every success I have seen in my family’s life, I can remember having prayed for it first,” admits one grandmother of three huffadh (memorizers of Quran). “If my dua doesn’t come true in this world, I have faith that it will in the next one, so I have patience.”

Another mother of four tells me, “I recited Surah Maryam every single day of my pregnancy. I want pious children above all else — it’s all that matters.”

A convert friend of mine suggests that couples who are about to embark on the path of parenthood should ask themselves, “Why do we even want children?” She believes in renewing one’s intentions on a daily basis. “Who are we doing this for?” When she gets embarrassed by something her children say or do, she questions herself, “Why am I upset? Is it because I’m afraid that they’re doing something displeasing to Allah? Or is it because I’m afraid that they’re displeasing people?”

Her unwavering dua is that her children live their lives seeking only His pleasure.

Many families shared with me their reliance on Salaat-ul-Istikhaara (Prayer for Guidance) before making any major life-altering decisions and Salaat-ul-Haajah (Prayer for Need) when desiring something they felt was crucial for their children’s well-being. Whenever a blessing appeared in their lives, they were quick to pray Salaat-ul-Shukr (Prayer of Gratitude) as well.

“All that I have is due to my mother’s duas,” believes one mother of five children. “She was the one who was always praying for us, even when we forgot to.”

2.) Suhba (companionship) will make you or break you.

“There were times we sacrificed our own friendships in order to do what was best for our children,” a married couple of sixteen years tells me. When pressed for reasons why one would end a relationship, they explain, “Before we had children, we had friends who ‘drank socially’, who played poker, who hosted dance parties. Once our kids were born, we avoided those types of atmospheres. Our social gatherings are now the type where both the respected elders and the innocent children feel welcome and comfortable.”

“It doesn’t necessarily need to be that it’s the ‘drinking, gambling, partying crowd’ that is holding you back,” muses a mother of elementary school children upon hearing the couple’s history. “I have one set of ‘dinner party friends’ who believe in a ‘children should be seen and not heard’ philosophy. They plant the kids around TV sets and video games while the parents socialize in other rooms. Then I have another group of friends who engage their children in the adult conversations, who don’t keep the younger ones ‘out of sight, out of mind’. It might surprise you to learn that my own kids actually prefer to be around the adults who actually care enough to get to know them.”

“Sometimes I look around at the people I hang with and I think ‘What happened?’” laughs a mother who has chosen to homeschool her three kids. “None of these folks are the type I would have chosen as friends when I was younger, but I admire the way they live their lives and crave the peace and tranquility they trail behind them everywhere they go. They have a sense of purpose and an awareness of Allah in everything they do. I want to pass those qualities on to my own kids, so here we are.”

“Suhba is of the utmost importance. If you sleep with the dogs, don’t be surprised if you rise with the fleas,” a respected scholar advises. The words that struck me the hardest with their wisdom? “When you sit with People of the Dunya, you become a drop in their ocean, but when you sit with People of the Akhira (Hereafter), the dunya becomes a drop in your ocean.”

“A person is known by who their friends are,” my mother always reminded us. “Don’t ever assume that you are better than your friends. No! You are who your friends are.”

“I had a girlfriend whose company I really enjoyed,” remembers one mother wistfully. “She was the best person to share a cup of tea with, to go shopping with.” So what happened? “She and her husband decided that they weren’t going to raise their children as Muslims. Even though we liked each other a lot, we just didn’t see eye to eye on what was appropriate for kids. There were certain behaviors in her home that were complete anathema to us. I decided that I couldn’t have an independent friendship with the mom; at some point her kids were going to start influencing my kids, and we needed to part ways…so we did.”

One father confesses with a sheepish laugh, “I don’t know if our children are so God-conscious because of anything we necessarily did. My nieces are very spiritual young women, and my own daughters were always drawn to them. I think we got lucky that our children wanted to follow in their older cousins’ footsteps.”

“On the Day of Judgment, you’ll be standing with the ones you loved most in the dunya,” reminds another well-loved scholar, “so choose your friends wisely.”

More than one parent has gushed about the power a charismatic aunt or uncle, imam, halaqa (study circle) leader, or Sunday School teacher has had over their young ones. Many of the adults gave up a good portion of their weekends, driving long distances to take their children to gatherings and events where they hoped their children would benefit from being around like-minded people. “I firmly believe that no friends are better than bad friends,” states a father of five childen, “but I did go the extra mile to make sure that my kids did have friends with whom they connected.”

“Sometimes kids start to tune out what the parents say because it’s all been said before,” a mother of a middle schooler smiles. “My own parents told me to pray all my life, but it wasn’t until I connected with an articulate teacher who explained how prayer was for our benefit that I finally got the message…and it was my friends who led me to that teacher.”

3.) The Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) was a living, breathing reality in our lives.

“What better suhba is there than one who reminds another of the deen? Can there be a better ‘companion’ than the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam)?” asks a UCLA graduate married to a doctor who also does interfaith work for Islam.

When a learned scholar was recently asked, “What should we teach our children?”, his response was swift and unequivocal — “The seerah (biography of the Prophet) and nasheeds (devotional songs of praise). If your kids love the Prophet, they will automatically love Allah.”

“The best way to call people to Islam is to have them fall in love with the Prophet,” insists another scholar. “Children should fear and love Allah, but teach them about the love first. They can learn about the fear when they’re older. And who loved Allah more than the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam)?”

An eight-year-old recently burst into tears when he realized that his mother had neglected to wake him up for the Fajr prayer. The adults who were present exchanged glances, wondering what kind of terror the parents must have driven into this young one’s heart. Was he afraid that Allah was going to punish him? Did he think he was going to burn in hell? Upon inquiry, the child revealed that the real cause of his distress was the knowledge that he had neglected something the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) took very seriously, something he had exhorted the believers about while on his death bed. Needless to say, the mother has been vigilant about waking her son on time for prayer ever since.

Many of the parents made it a regular part of the daily routine to recite the sunnah duas — the duas for beginning and ending meals, the duas for entering and leaving the home, the duas for waking and sleeping — until they became automatic. It isn’t a surprise for guests in their homes to see children as young as three reciting the dua for traveling as they get strapped into their car seats. “We didn’t minimize any sunnah in our home,” one Pakistani-American father tells me. “Once you start to think, ‘Oh, that sunnah isn’t a big deal; we can ignore it’, you’ve entered dangerous territiory. What comes next?”

In order to help his children learn the daily duas, this father neatly prints the supplications on index cards and posts them up all over the house until the kids have learned them by heart. I decided to follow his lead and taped up the dua for “looking at one’s reflection” on my sons’ bedroom mirror, completely forgetting to put a card on my own bathroom mirror. The result? My eleven-year-old now knows exactly what prayer to recite while brushing his hair for school, whereas I struggle to remember the Arabic words when getting ready in the morning.

“A co-worker recently asked me to name one thing that makes Islam different from other faiths,” my brother-in-law once shared with me. “Among other things, I told him that with Islam I got a prophetic example for how to live my day-to-day life. No other prophet’s life is so carefully recorded as our Prophet’s (salallaahu alaihi wasallam).”

With toddlers and pre-schoolers, I noticed that a lot of the parents mentioned the Prophet Muhammad (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) as if he were a relevant person in their lives. They talked about him the way one would talk about any respected elder whom the child adored. It wasn’t unusual to hear parents telling their little ones, “The Prophet Muhammad (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) loved green, so let’s wear our green clothes for Friday Prayer!” or “Prophet Muhammad (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) taught us that we should sit down when we get angry, so let’s sit down since you’re feeling so frustrated.”

While visiting my sister in Southern California one weekend, I noticed that an English translation of Imam Tirmidhi’s “Shama’il” (Characteristics) sat on my six-year-old nephew’s beside table. She explained that it was part of their son’s bedtime ritual for her husband to share one hadith from that famous ninth century text with him. “Learning intimate details, like the fact the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) enjoyed eating dates with cucumbers, makes our son feel like he actually personally knows the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam).”

“Today’s generation is so fortunate, masha’Allah,” says one grandmother. “When our children were younger, there were hardly any quality Islamic literature or media out there. Today’s kids have so many choices! My grandchildren go through a different seerah book every year. They are constantly humming new songs about the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam). I pray that they always find joy in learning about (and then following) their Prophet, insha’Allah.”

4.) Having fun wasn’t “haraam” in our home, but we kept the home environment as pure as possible.

It would be extremely remiss of me if I failed to mention that every single family I interviewed emphasized the need to severely limit exposure to entertainment media — television in particular, but internet and video games included. There were some families who didn’t have a television set in the house at all, while there were others who allowed their children to watch an hour of pre-screened Saturday morning cartoons or an occasional family night movie. Computers were always stationed in a public area of the house where email exchanges and internet research were conducted on a set schedule under the watchful eyes of involved parents.

“If Shaytan (Satan) were to ring our doorbell and ask if he could come in and babysit our children, we would throw him out,” one scholar says, “yet we allow the television set to do exactly that…we literally invite Shaytan in when we turn the TV on!”

“Preserving my children’s fitra (primordial state) is of the highest priority to us,” one mother of two pre-schoolers tells me. “Right now, the difference between right and wrong is so clear in their eyes; they really get it when we explain what’s what to them. The entertainment industry’s depiction of what’s ‘normal’ manages to confuse adults, so just imagine what it does to children!”

“We’re Indian, but we never watched Bollywood films in our home,” a friend admits matter-of-factly. “We didn’t have bhangra dance parties; we didn’t wear revealing clothing like skimpy saris and sleeveless blouses; we weren’t allowed to be overly chummy with our guy cousins.”

Basically, what she’s letting me know is that what is often excused as “culture” was not allowed to contradict the Islamic shariah (sacred law) her parents taught her to respect.

“But don’t think we were bored or deprived!” she is quick to reassure me. “My parents inculcated in us a love of Urdu poetry. We read classic English literature aloud to one another in the evenings and went on father-daughter hikes in the mornings. My mother showed us how to garden, my father taught us how to fish. My brother had a paper route; the younger ones were Girl Scouts. We had a home life full of energy and activity.”

“It’s important to replace every haraam you stop your child from with at least two halaals they can enjoy,” advises a popular Muslim family counselor. “You don’t want your children to grow up thinking that Islam is just a bunch of no’s — ‘no, you can’t do this; no, you can’t do that.’” She laughs heartily, “Make it about ‘yes, we can!’”

I have a Yemeni friend who has taken that philosophy to heart with gusto. She and her husband may not throw birthday or New Year’s Eve parties, but you should see the festivities they do arrange. When her twins memorized the thirtieth juz (chapter of the Quran), the picnic in the park was enjoyed with two separate gourmet cakes and party favors for all. When this same brother-sister team went on to memorize the twenty-ninth juz, they came home from school to discover their bedrooms decorated with streamers and presents. My five-year-old son Raahim and his preschool buddies recently memorized twelve surahs under this auntie’s guidance, and she was quick to organize a party complete with a pinata, awards, balloons, and treats. With memories like these, Muslim adults are bound to look back on their childhoods as a time filled with celebrations, insha’Allah.

“There is so much fitna (tribulation) out there in the world. We can’t protect our kids from everything bad,” warns a devout grandfather of ten children. “But it is for that very reason that the home must be an oasis where Allah is remembered and obeyed, where children can relax and feel cherished, where they can practice their religion without feeling apologetic or alien. The home environment should be as halaal as possible. Our litmus test was always ‘Would we be ashamed if the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) were to walk into our house right now? Is there anything we would want to hide?’.”

The result of this family’s “test” was a tidy, simply furnished home where the television set was absent and books lined the shelves. Flowers bloomed outside every window, intricate Islamic calligraphy adorned the walls, and healthful food was served with generosity and enthusiasm to all who entered. The sense of serenity in the air was something tangible.

I’ll never forget what one daughter of a highly respected elder in the community told me when I asked her how her siblings remained so close to their parents despite being raised in a small town with only a handful of Muslims. Didn’t they ever rebel? How did they resist the siren song of the un-Islamic peer culture around them? “If you feel love in your home, you don’t look for it anywhere else.”

5.) Our parents didn’t just “talk the talk”, they “walked the walk”.

In other words, they practiced what they preached.

“I don’t get it when I hear mothers telling their kids ‘Don’t tell lies’ and then in the next breath smoothly tell phone callers, ‘Oh, he’s not home right now’ when the husband is sitting right there in front of them,” says a medical school resident who is spending time learning Hanafi fiqh as well. “Or how about when parents teach their kids ‘It’s wrong to backbite’ and then complain about the in-laws to anyone who will listen? It’s just beyond me!”

When pressed for examples of not succumbing to hypocrisy in his own family life, he says that his parents taught him and his siblings the importance of prayer and then never allowed them to miss any, even if it meant praying in the middle of Disneyland. “Our dad taught us that while there might be a time for fun and play, it never comes at the expense of giving up our duties to Allah. And since he was always the first to stand up for prayer, we just naturally followed.”

Another experienced mother gave me this age-old advice, “You can teach your kids the rules of prayer all you want, but if you’re not going to pray, they’re not going to pray. Children learn from what their parents do, not just what they say.”

“But it’s not enough to just teach your children to pray,” interjects another mother who was raised a secular Jew but is now Muslim. “What about how you pray? Do you have presence in your prayer? Are you sad if you ever miss a prayer? Those lessons are all just as important as learning to pray.”

I was once working with an African-American convert friend when the time for Maghrib prayer came in. I had been busy taking care of some tasks, but I stopped and said, “Well, I guess I better go get my prayer out of the way.”

Startled, she looked up and then chuckled. “In our house, we say we’re going to get prayer ‘in the way’.”

SubhanAllah, what a difference one word makes! What a difference in attitude!

“I was sitting in my room reciting my morning dhikr while the kids were completing an art project in the family room,” an Egyptian friend shared with me the other day. “It suddenly struck me that I always recite my litanies in private, so I got up and joined them in their area of the house. They continued to paint while I continued with my prayers. They need to see me doing this…and they need to see me doing this happily.”

The other day one of my sons became frustrated while searching for an elusive pencil in the writing desk. He shoved papers aside and slammed the drawer shut when no pencil materialized, grumbling the entire time. I began to lecture him about the merits of patience when I realized that I had behaved in the exact same manner while looking for my keys a few days earlier. Children really are like sponges; they soak in everything around them. “Garbage in, garbage out,” cautions one teacher.

“Children need to see that Islam ‘worked’ in our home,” says another scholar. “Islam isn’t just about praying and fasting and charity. Islam is an attitude that must be infused in the mundane day-to-day dealings with life. Do parents treat each other with respect? How do they react to the ups and downs of life? Do they have a sense of civic responsibility? Children are constantly learning from their parents, even when the parents don’t think they have anything to teach.”

6.) I wasn’t afraid to be the Bad Guy, but I never behaved badly.

I know more than one mother who doesn’t feel comfortable telling her child to pray or maybe to dress more modestly, thinking that her kid will be “mad” at her if she starts holding him/her to higher standards. I know of a couple of fathers who have turned a blind eye to certain immoral behaviors witnessed in their teenagers, never once speaking out, telling their exasperated wives, “I don’t want to judge our kids. It’s a tough age and they have to fit in.”

The adults I’ve asked for parenting advice had no qualms about upsetting their children from time to time.

“There were times when I knew that I shouldn’t go to this place or go out with that person, but I would ask Ammi anyway, wanting her to be the one to put her foot down…and she always did,” remembers my brother. “Kids want their parents to set limits and be authority figures, even if they won’t admit it.”

“I enjoy my children’s company; we laugh together, we read the same books, we even share each other’s clothes,” chuckles one mother of two teenage daughters who race to give up their seats for her. “But at the end of the day, they know that I am their Mother. I am friendly with them, but they cannot treat me like a girlfriend.”

“Weakness in those who are supposed to be in a position of authority only invites contempt,” contends a mother of two. “It’s important to know who’s boss.”

One father of four and former high school valedictorian looks back on his youth and laughs appreciatively, “My mother didn’t worry about not ‘rocking the boat’ when we were in high school. She was willing to capsize the boat if she found us doing something that wasn’t okay with her!”

Other parents impressed upon me the importance of having high expectations of their children. “We have to gently push kids out of their comfort zones,” an Afghan father says. “If you expect more, your kids will often pleasantly surprise you, but it’s important to communicate those expectations.”

A single mother I know always assumed that her children would eventually begin praying simply because they saw that prayer was a priority for her. When a friend asked her why her ten-year-old daughter didn’t join the other girls for prayer, this mom realized that she had never communicated her hopes to her own daughter. “It was only a matter of discussing it!” she exclaims with genuine surprise. “I sat her down for a serious ‘grown-up’ talk. I said, ‘Honey, you’re older now and prayer needs to be a regular part of your routine.’ She listened so attentively! When Asr came in, she ran to get her prayer rug and misbaha (prayer beads) and joined me for salaah. She’s the one who wakes me for Fajr now. It’s almost as if she was just waiting for me to tell her, ‘This is what I expect of you’.”

While these parents were quick to lay down the law with their children, there was one “old world law” that nearly all of them shied away from — corporal punishment. “We did not hit our children,” most of them say adamantly.

“Well, there might be a place for a good old-fashioned spanking every now and then,” argues a mother of four college students. “When my daughter was four years old, she ran out in public without her underwear on for the umpteenth time. In my opinion, it was too dangerous to let her keep getting away with that kind of behavior, so I finally let her have it. She got the message and never forgot it…and I never had to spank her again.”

Physically beating your children for the simplest infractions seemed to be an acceptable mode of discipline a generation or so ago. The parents I spoke with are loath to raise their hands on their kids. “Every time you hit your kids, you have to keep upping the levels,” a financial analyst tells me. “I knew of a parent who used to twist her kids’ ears. After a while, that had no effect, so she started smacking them on their hands. When the desired behaviors were no longer obtained using that method, she resorted to swatting them on their bottoms and shaking them in frustration. I mean, where does it end?”

I spent a good portion of the afternoon just yesterday baking banana crumb muffins from scratch. I offered one to a son of mine and sent him out on the back deck to enjoy his snack. As I watched in horror from the kitchen window, I saw him breaking off big chunks of the fresh muffin and forcefully slamming them down on to the floorboards outside. I rushed out the door and surveyed the crumbs all over the deck, the same deck I had washed just that morning. “What are you doing?!” I screeched.

He looked up in surprise. “Oh.”

“WHAT are you doing?!”

“I’m trying to kill a spider that’s bothering me.”

I clenched my hands at my side and whispered through gritted teeth, “Son, please walk away from me right now. I’m very upset and I am sure that I will spank you if you are near me and this mess. I need time to cool off, so you better run.”

His eyes grew wide and he scampered off.

I’m so grateful that Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala allowed me to restrain myself in that moment of anger. The crumbs were easily swept up, there were still plenty of muffins left, my son learned his lesson about not wasting food (and not killing innocent spiders in their natural habitat), and I was eventually able to laugh at his logic for dealing with arachnids…but only after an hour had passed. Letting out my frustration on him by hitting him might have felt good in that moment, but the resulting misery would have lasted much longer…for the both of us.

7.) I always kept them close by.

I wasn’t surprised to see that nearly all of the families I spoke with had the mother at home caring for the children, but I was shocked by how many of the families shared the same steadfast rule — “No sleepovers.”

“Every night I know which bed my kid is sleeping in,” says a homeschooling mom of two and wife of a university professor. “And that bed is one I can check on whenever I want.”

“Friends were always welcome to come to our home for sleepovers,” reminisces a young woman who grew up with a twin brother. “My mom went all out — popcorn during midnight games of Monopoly, pancakes for breakfast, privacy for chatting and giggling late into the night. But we could never sleep in anyone else’s home unless our parents were there with us.”

“I saw too many weird things in other friends’ homes when I was younger…and that was just during the daytime,” remembers an attorney and father of three. “The first time my best friend saw a dirty magazine was when he spent the night at his neighbor’s house. I might have resented their strictness a bit when I was younger, but in my heart I knew that my parents were right to keep us in our clean, safe, and cozy home.”

“I never let them go far from me when they were little,” explains a mother of two when asked by me how to raise a dutiful son like hers. “My kids could have gone on camping trips and overnight field trips with other parents as chaperones, but unless my husband or I were there, they didn’t go. My husband was once willing to consider a prestigious boarding school for one of our ‘gifted’ children, but I said, ‘No way.’ I just couldn’t let my family be split in different directions; the time we had with them was already short enough.”

“No nannies or day-cares for our family,” says a grandmother of five. “And don’t think that I wasn’t tempted! I raised three babies on my own without any help; I didn’t have parents or in-laws nearby. A one-income-family meant that we only took local vacations and drove second-hand cars. We lived in a small home. I went back to work only after the kids were in school, but I was always at home in time to greet them with a smile, a hug, and an after-school snack. Even now, my grown children tell me that the smell of peanut butter and jelly gives them a feeling of security.”

Another mother of four, who is able to afford live-in help, made an agreement with her husband long ago that while the maid would be available to help with laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping, all of the actual food preparation and childcare would be done exclusively by the parents. “My husband thinks dinner comes together by ‘magic’,” laughs this stay-at-home mom with a master’s degree in business. “But, masha’Allah, he is very helpful with the children, so I get my fair share of ‘breaks’. When we need a night out for ourselves, we rely on the grandparents or my sister…but never strangers.”

8.) We didn’t spoil our kids nor did we praise them too much.

“It’s important to me that my kids don’t grow up ingrained in this Sibling Society,” a college professor and father of three tells me.

When asked the definition of a “sibling society”, he explains that it’s the environment where grown adults behave and are treated like children. “We’ve extended adolescence where we excuse bad behavior by saying, ‘Oh, he’s just going through that rebellious phase. He’s only sixteen; he’ll outgrow it.’ Outgrow it when? Throughout history, puberty has been considered the onset of adulthood; nowadays we have university graduates who behave like babies — tantrums, irresponsible behavior, no sense of accountability.”

This father celebrates his children’s birthdays every year by giving them a new toy…and a new duty. “When my son turns seven, he’ll get that monster truck he’s been craving, but he’ll also get a new responsibility for the year — he has to make sure that all the doors in the house are locked before going to bed.”

He and his wife believe that having responsibilities, even small ones, inculcates in children a sense of contribution and chivalry.

I was recently given cause to reflect when a friend of mine politely refused an invitation for her daughter to recite her award-winning poem at a masjid event. “Masha’Allah, she has received a lot attention and praise this past week for that poem,” she sighed. “The other day she just happened to be interviewed for a local science program on television too. I just don’t think it’s beneficial for her nafs (ego) to be in the spotlight too much, so I’m going to have to say ‘no’.”

This mother believes that praise becomes “cheap” when it is given for that which children have no control over; she feels that kids should have to “earn” the praise that comes their way. “What’s the point in telling a child who always gets A’s, ‘You’re so smart’? Or telling a pretty child, ‘You’re so beautiful’? Telling a child who’s struggled through an assignment, ‘I’m proud of how hard you worked on that difficult worksheet’ is so much more meaningful.”

One mother who is often asked the secret behind her kids’ contentment with life has this theory to offer: “It’s actually something I’ve discovered by accident. We have never been motivated to buy the latest gadgets and gizmos for our kids. To compensate for the things that we won’t buy, we give them something that’s free yet still very valuable — our time. I bake with them, their dad wrestles. We snuggle on the couch and read together. I think they’re rarely dissatisfied with material goods because they are just so grateful for what little they do get. They don’t have a sense of entitlement. And since whining has never worked anyway, they just don’t bother.”

The father adds, “Well, to be honest, we are spoiling them, except that we’re spoiling them with something that’s lasting, not fleeting — our love.”

9.) Talk to your kids…with love.

I was once singing “Rain, rain, go away; Come again another day; Shaan and Ameen want to play” with my kids when my brother interrupted us.

“Don’t teach them that! Rain is a blessing! You don’t want them rejecting blessings just because they want ‘fun’,” he rebuked me.

After experimenting with the lyrics, we ended up singing, “Rain, rain, pour, pour, pour; You’re a mercy from our Lord; Rain, rain, fall on me; I turn to Allah gratefully.” To this day, whenever dark clouds dampen a day that they had hoped to spend outside, my kids console one another by saying, “It’s okay. California needs the rain. Allah is being Kind to us.”

This suggestion by my brother is a reminder of another piece of advice that families have repeatedly given me — “Never miss out on a teaching moment.”

“When your kids are younger, you should take advantage of every opportunity to guide them, remind them, advise them,” instructs an Iraqi father of two girls. “Of course, there’s a fine line between nagging and teaching, between being judgmental and being perceptive. Nevertheless, I encourage my children to look at everything through ‘the eye of discernment’. What does everything around us mean? Why is that billboard saying that their brand of soda will guarantee a successful party? What was the real reason that car driver honked his horn like that? Why does this movie make parents look like bumbling fools? Is having to wait in a long line ever a reason to lose your temper with a bank teller? Talk, talk, talk to your kids! Even if they don’t say anything, believe me, they’re listening!”

“I want to get my ‘voice’ into my kids’ heads while they’re young,” says one mom. “There are so many forces competing for our kids’ minds; I want to get in while I can. There will come a time when we all have to let go, but I’m hopeful that my children will always remember their root values once they’re out on their own, insha’Allah.”

The families I’ve admired have all made a point of being “present” with their children, answering their questions patiently and respectfully, not getting annoyed with their seemingly random thoughts, laughing appreciatively at their jokes, and maintaining eye contact when the children wanted to chat. The kids feel that they can ask any question and discuss any subject without any judgment on the part of the parents.

“You know that cliche ‘There’s no such thing as a dumb question’?” asks a Persian friend who is also a Fulbright scholar. “Well, that was always true in our family. I could ask my mom anything, and I was always confident that I would get an honest answer. There were times when I was told that I would have to wait a bit before she was ready to teach me certain truths, but I was able to be patient because I knew that the truth was eventually coming.”

Another respected family counselor cautions parents to beware the trap of “over-talking and over-respecting” your sons and daughters. “Children are little people with little hearts and they need to be treated with dignity and respect so that their feelings aren’t hurt,” she admits. “But there’s no need to explain and justify every little thing to your child — ‘Honey, please, you need to let me do this so that then I can do that. And once I do that, I’ll be able to take care of this. And once I do this, then I can read to you. Is that all right?’…No! Sometimes you just need to make it clear to the child: ‘Because I said so’…And they need to be okay with that too.”

An Arab girlfriend once described how her mother would react when she and her siblings misbehaved as children. “May Allah guide you!” she would yell in anger. “May Allah have mercy on all of us!” The inevitable result was that her daughter grew up to be a mother of twins who now prays for her children instead of cursing them when she is at the height of her own frustration.

Just today Shaan told me about how his younger cousin reacted after he watched Ameen splatter a mud ball against a wooden fence. “Mama, he yelled, ‘SubhanAllah! Allahu Akbar!’” my son related with amusement. “He’s just like his dad; he says the same things Khaloo (Uncle) does.”

10.) They had a pious father who engaged them.

Yes, there are pious mothers who have raised wonderful Muslim kids despite having husbands who not only didn’t support them, but even disapproved of their attempts to teach their kids the basics about the deen. And there are single moms who are doing an incredible service to the Ummah by sacrificing, striving, and successfully raising the next generation of believers. We all are more than aware that the mother is the first madrassa (school). And there are examples after examples of mothers who spend the night on the prayer mat weeping in prostration for the future of their families; their secrets are known only to Allah.

But over and over I have seen lackadaisical mothers with pious husbands…and the kids have turned towards their fathers like flowers to the sun. How many of us know of young adults who roll their eyes at their mothers’ religiosity while holding their “fun-loving”, worldly, secular fathers up as paragons of rationalism and intelligence? There is a power that fathers have over their offspring, the depth of which we can never fully comprehend; the truth manifests itself when we witness which parent the kid most often chooses to emulate.

A majority of the families I spoke with extolled the virtues of the Amir of the House: the man who led his children in congregational prayer, the father who gently but firmly encouraged both his son’s and his daughter’s sense of modesty, the husband who fulfilled his wife’s rights without demanding his own, the responsible breadwinner, the dad who put a stop to gossip the moment it started, the patriarch who was eager to hasten to the masjid to join the jama’ah (congregation), the Muslim who held fast to his principles (whether it was a father who refused to allow his co-workers to shorten his name from “Mohammad” to “Mo” or the dad who wouldn’t travel on Fridays so that his Jumah prayer wouldn’t be jeopardized). The grown children remember their father’s integrity and quiet examples long after they have entered parenthood on their own, voluntarily choosing to mold their own lives in honor of a man who didn’t force his way of life down their throats when they were younger.

“My mother lectured and taught and scolded and reminded us the entire time we were growing up,” one mother of three sons remembers with amusement. “My father told me maybe only five things related to the deen my whole life…and yet I remember every single one; I’ve never forgotten. I only wish he had shared his thoughts with me more often.”

Back in junior high school, I remember repeating the words of an older cousin as I was studying for an exam at the kitchen table. “If only Allah allows me to get an A on this final, I’ll pray a hundred rakaats to Him in gratitude,” I sighed as I turned yet another page.

My father looked up from his newspaper. “Allah doesn’t need your prayers,” he gently chided. “If you want to get an A, study hard and pray for His help at the same time. You don’t need to bribe Allah.”

Years later, I sat in the class of a learned shaykh and took down these notes of instruction: “Don’t be mercantile in your religion. Lose the attitude of ‘Pay me and I’ll worship You.’”

The truth resonated with me because I had already heard it from the lips of my beloved father twenty-five years earlier.

IN CONCLUSION

While I have always been a fan of “how to” and “top ten” lists, I have never allowed myself to be deluded into believing that there are any guarantees for raising righteous children. It hasn’t been lost on me that the greatest man in humanity, the Prophet Muhammad (salallaahu alaihi wasallam), was intially raised by a single mom…and that too after being sent away to live amongst the bedouins in the desert while still an infant. Many of the “rules” here didn’t apply to his blessed life. His was a singular circumstance, having been raised by Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala Himself. All we can do is try to lay out a safe framework in hopes of trying to reach what he (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) reached through Allah’s largesse.

If we want to be successful at something, it behooves us to look at those who have succeeded before us. Each of us has something we can learn from the experiences of another.

There may be some who will read through the list of tips I have collected and think, “We didn’t do any of those things, yet our kids turned out just fine!”

To them, I say, “Alhamdulillah!” It’s true that there are many kids who didn’t have a single one of these “rules” applied to their lives, and, by the Grace and Mercy of Allah, have developed into exemplary Muslims.

And without going into unnecessary details, I will say that I have also seen the most pious, practicing, loving parents be disappointed by their children at every turn. These parents are in the company of prophets like Prophet Adam and Prophet Nuh (upon whom be peace) who had sons who rejected their teachings — yet these were fathers who were from among the best of humanity, parents who were in a constant state of supplication and prayer, who received guidance from Above. We can only pray that Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala will not test us through our children the way He tested these great men and their wives. It’s interesting to note that many of the men and women in my article have confessed that there were times they felt that they had failed in their duties as parents but took heart knowing that with Allah’s Help all obstacles could be overcome. Eventually, they all came to the conclusion that there was only “so much” they could do; they needed to submit to Allah’s will.

There is great comfort in knowing that parents will be rewarded not for how our children “turn out” but for the intentions we had while raising them, for the steps we took to facilitate their deeni success. All we can do is take the means; the end is up to Allah. “Even if one’s kids go astray,” advises a scholar, “one should always leave a ‘door’ open for them and pray that they will one day ‘come back’. We should never cut off relations; we should never despair of Allah’s Mercy and Guidance.”

“Parenting and living in this dunya is such a struggle,” reflects one friend. “We have aspirations of who we want to be as parents and we strive to achieve them, and then are saddened by seeing our failures. I guess it’s really about the courage to continue to renew one’s intentions and to pray for tawfiq (success).”

None of the parents I interviewed felt “safe” or believed that they had won and were now done with their work. They continued to pray for daily tawfiq long after everyone had started lauding them for the fine job they had done raising their children. “It doesn’t matter how wonderfully we live our lives,” says one local scholar and father of two girls. “What really matters is how we end our lives (husn al-khatima)…we’re not safe until we die with imaan (faith) in our hearts.”

It is with that knowledge that we pray that Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala grants us the dua for “a pure progeny” that He granted Prophet Ibrahim, Prophet Zakariya, and the mother of Maryam (upon them all be peace) in the Holy Quran. We pray that we are able to be worthy teachers for our children who will carry this noble religion on, a precious trust to be handed from one generation to the next. May we not be “the weak link”. Aameen.

“O my Lord! Make me one who establishes regular Prayer, and also (raise such) among my offspring.
O our Lord! And accept Thou my Prayer.
O our Lord! Cover (us) with Thy Forgiveness — me, my parents, and (all) Believers,
On the Day that the Reckoning will be established!”
~ The Holy Quran (14:40)

MISCELLANEOUS RECOMMENDATIONS

As far as seerah literature for the young is concerned, I have found that Leila Azzam’s “Life of the Prophet Muhammad (salallaahu alaihi wasallam)” adequately fits all of my family’s needs. A summary of Martin Ling’s excellent adult version of the Prophet’s biography, this book is often used to teach university students, so one can rest assured that it is written with an eye for proper grammar and punctuation, something sadly missing in many of our children’s Islamic textbooks today. Parents of younger kids need not worry that the material might be too sophisticated for their little ones; my friend was able to use this same book to teach my preschool-aged son and his friends about the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam). One can only imagine my delight when my five-year-old repeatedly turned to me in the middle of my adult Seerah class at the mosque to excitedly tug on my arm and whisper, “Hey, I know about Bilal (may Allah be pleased with him) saying ‘Ahad, ahad’!…Mama, I learned about Buraq in my class!…Guess what? Auntie just taught us about Ghar-e-Thawr today!”

On the topic of Islamic media, it is my pleasure to introduce readers to a relatively new nasheed artist on the scene known as “Talib al-Habib”. His beautiful nasheed, “Songs of Innocence”, never fails to bring tears to my eyes. The lyrics of that one song contain all of the advice any parent would want to pass on to his/her child, speaking to the hearts of mothers and fathers everywhere, a beautiful summation of all of our hopes and desires for our children. Time and time again, I have found continuous benefit in his music set only to a daff (hand drum). I was recently reviewing some of the basic points of aqueedah (Islamic creed) with my children, encouraging them to memorize a list of points, when they suddenly began singing the words to Talib al-Habib’s “Iman: Articles of Faith”. I realized then that I didn’t need to teach them anything on that subject; they had already unwittingly memorized the articles of faith set to a sweetly melodic tune. I know I speak on behalf of all parents when I emphasize how rewarding it is to discover so-called “entertainment” which ends up being an instrument for instruction as well.

COPYRIGHT HINA KHAN-MUKHTAR 2010. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

————–

Don’t forget to check out our course: “Islamic Parenting: Raising Upright Children”

Section 4: The Rights of a Sister

Section 5: The Rights of a Daughter

By Yoosuf ibn 'Abdullaah Al-'Areefee 

The encouragement to seek children covers both sons and daughters, and along with this general encouragement Islam has given special merits to seeking and bringing up girls - contrary to the thinking of the people of ignorance (age of 'Jaahiliyyah') of the past and present, since the people of ignorance - wherever and whenever found - hated (some of them 'still do') to have daughters and were grieved and angered by their births! 

"And when the news of (the birth of) a female (child) is brought to any of them, his face becomes dark, and he is filled with inward grief! He hides himself from the people because of the evil of that whereof he has been informed. Shall he keep her with dishonor or bury her in the earth? Certainly, evil is their decision." (An-Nahl 16:58-59) 

But the Messenger of Islam, Muhammad(saw), came elevating the status of this gift given by Allah(swt),
welcoming the daughters, and raising high the importance of their upbringing with words to delight the hearts of the believing fathers and bring joy to their souls: 

"Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood - he and I will come (together) on the Day of Resurrection - and he interlaced his fingers (meaning in Paradise)." (Reported by Muslim) 

So can there be any greater honor given to daughter!? And for those who wish to have them and bring them up properly!? And he said in another Hadith: 

"Whoever has three daughters or sisters, or two daughters of two sisters, and lives along with them in a good manner, and has patience with them, and fears Allah with regard to them will enter Paradise." (Reported by Abu Dawud, Al-Tirmidhee and others) 

And in another Hadith: 

"They will be a shield for him from the Fire." (Reported by Ahmad and Ibn Maajah) 

And along with the Messenger’s(saw) honoring the daughters with his words, we find that he also gave us a
living example in his own actions and behavior - for example, 

"One day he(saw) led his Companions in Prayer whilst carrying Umaamah bint Zaynab(ra) when he made rukoo’ he would put her down, then when he stood, he would pick her up." (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim) 

So the position of daughters in Islam is very clear and the encouragement that it gives for them, and also the
hatred it has for those who hate them or are grieved at their births! We know from this that hatred in some souls toward something - if found - is not a true judgement upon that thing and this is explained in the Qurân, as Allah(swt) says: 

"…If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good." (An-Nisa’ 4:19) 

So how many righteous women have brought happiness and well-being upon their families and their Ummah!? And how many corrupt young men have brought every form of misfortune and trial upon this Ummah!? 

Therefore, it is upon the parents who have intellect to accept whatever Allah’s(swt) gift is with full joy and
happiness, whether the gift is male or a female. Since its being a male or being a female is due only to Allah’s(swt) order alone - He, the One free from all imperfections - and Most High says: 

"To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren who He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things." (Ash-Shura 42:49-50)

And finally, a stern warning of the 'Day of Judgment' is given to all those people who went (still go) to the extremes of killing their (infant) daughters (or these days knowingly go for an abortion after finding out the gender of the fetus) out of fear of poverty or shying away from responsibility, superstitions or ignorant customs etc;

Section 6: The Rights of a Wife

Some Responsibilities of the Husband and Rights of the Wife in Islam

Dr. G. F. Haddad
Damascus

Q: I have frequently read what, according to Islamic teachings, a husband may or may not do in a dispute with his wife if he attributes it to disagreement with or misbehavior of his wife. I almost never read anything about the opposite situation: if the wife has a disagreement with her husband or *he* misbehaves. Things are nearly always told from the man's point of view! What are the wife's rights in the case of bad behavior of her husband?

A:

Praise belongs to Allah the Lord of all the worlds. Blessings and Peace on the Messenger of Allah, and on his Family and all his Companions.

Allah ordered the believers to "consort with women in kindness" (4:19) and He said: "And of His signs are this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect" (30:21).

A Wife's Basic Rights Regarding Her Husband's Behavior

NOTE: This is distinct from her other rights regarding living expenditures, housing, clothing, and education of children. And from Allah comes all success.

1. The first and worthiest condition of marriage to be fulfilled by the husband is to "keep the promise or promises he made to the wife at the time he married her." This is an order of the Prophet [salla Allahu `alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, abbr. (s)] according to the hadith: "ahaqqu al-shuruti an tufu bihi ma astahlaltum bihi min al-furuj"

2. He cannot order her to do anything that is against religion. The Prophet (s) said: "No obedience is due to creatures in disobedience of the Creator" (la ta`atan li makhluqin fi ma`siyat al-khaliq).

3. He must exercise patience and be prepared to listen to her advice in every situation. The Prophet (s) listened to the advice of his wives in matters ranging from the smallest to the greatest.

4. If she invites him to wake up and perform the late night prayer, it is praiseworthy for him to do so and vice-versa. The Prophet (s) prayed for such people: "May Allah grant mercy to a man who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up his wife, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face; may Allah grant mercy to a woman who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up her husband, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face."

5. He must respect her and pay attention to her needs so that she will respect him and pay attention to his.

6. He must control his passions and act in a moderate manner especially in the context of sexual intercourse. Remember that Allah has placed between you and her "friendship and mercy" (mawadda wa rahma), not the gratification of your every lust; and that the Prophet (s) advised young men to marry "because it casts down the gaze and walls up the genitals," not in order to stimulate sexual passions. The husband should habitually seek refuge in Allah before approaching his wife and say: "O Allah, ward off the satan from us and ward him off from what you have bestowed upon us in the way of children" (allahumma jannibna al-shaytana wa jannibhu ma razaqtana). Allah has called each spouse a garment for the other (2:187), and the purpose of garments is decency. The Prophet (s) further said that he who marries for the sake of decency and modesty (`afaf), Allah has enjoined upon Himself to help him.

7. He must never ever divulge the secrets of the household and those of the married couple.

8. He must strive with sincerity to acquire her trust, and seek her welfare in all the actions that pertain to her.

9. He must treat her generously at all times. The Prophet (s) said that the best gift or charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife.

10. If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. The wife's duties do not require her to feed her child, nor even to nurse it, nor to clean nor cook. It is the husband's duty to provide a nursemaid, food for older children, and servants to clean and cook. However, if the wife does those things out of mercy and love, it is a gift to the husband on her part.

11. He must avoid excessive jealousy and remember that Allah is also jealous that he himself not commit. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not be excessively jealous of your wife lest evil be hurled at her on your account" (la tukthir al-gheerata `ala ahlika fa turama bi al-su'i min ajlik) and he said: "Allah is jealous and the believer is jealous; and Allah's jealousy is that the believer should not go to that which Allah has forbidden for him" (inna Allaha yagharu wa al- mu'minu yagharu wa gheerat Allahi in ya'tiya al-mu'minu ma harrama `alayhi).

12. He must protect her honor and not place her in situations where it is compromised or belittled. The Prophet (s) said that Allah will not ever let him enter Paradise who cares little who shares his wife's privacy. This includes the husband's brother, uncle, and nephew, let alone non-related friends, neighbors, and complete strangers.

13. He must exercise patience and forgiveness in the case of disagreement or dispute, and not rush to divorce. The declaration of divorce is a grave matter indeed, and the Prophet (s) said: "Of permitted matters the most loathesome before Allah is divorce" (abgh`ad al-halal `ind Allah al-talaq). In another hadith he said that divorce is so grave that because of it Allah's throne is made to shake. He said: "The best intercession [i.e. intervention of a third party] is that which brings back together the husband and the wife." Womanizing -- divorce for the purpose of marrying another woman out of sexual attraction incurs Allah's curse according to the hadith: "Allah's curse is on the womanizing, divorcing man" (la`ana Allahu kulla dhawwaaqin mutallaaq). Finally, even in the midst of and after divorce, Allah has prescribed kindness upon the man: "(After pronouncing divorce) she must be retained in honor or released in kindness" (2:228).

For the above-mentioned reason (i.e. to prevent the quickness of divorce), in his time, Ibn Taymiyya gave the ijtihad (juridical opinion) by saying that three talaqs in one sitting constituted only one. He did this to interdict the prevalent custom of suddenly giving three talaqs, which in his time was on everyone's lips, (i.e. had become so commonplace as to be a habit). However the other four schools of fiqh had the opposite opinion in this matter.

14. He must not dwell on what he dislikes in his wife, but on what he likes.

15. The husband is not to stay away from his wife or keep his wife in a state of suspense, whether at home or abroad, for a protracted period of time except with her consent. Allah said: "Turn not away (from your wife) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If you come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful" (4:129). Protracted separation (6 months or more in the Shafi`i school) without prior or subsequent arrangement with the wife, whether the husband is away willingly or unwillingly (for example due to war, imprisonment, or illness) is sufficient grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

16. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not beat your wife." He also said: "Do not strike your wife in the face." The expiation for striking one's slave in the face is to set him or her free on the spot, but what expiation is there for striking one's wife? The Prophet (s) condemned the man who beats his wife in the day and then approaches her at night. And to beat her to the extent of inflicting serious injury is enough grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

17. Caring for one's wife's sexual fulfillment is an obligation of religion. The Prophet (s) warned against rushing to gratify one's pleasure and forgetting that of one's wife. He also disliked that the husband should quickly withdraw from his wife afterwards, as it is a strain upon the wife. If she asks for intercourse, he should not refuse.

Conclusion

These are only some of the basic duties of the husband in Islam. The state of marriage is part of one's adherence to the Sunna and an exalted state of life indeed. In the words of the Prophet (s), it permits one to meet Allah "pure and cleansed" (tahiran mutahharan). One's behavior towards one's wife is the measure of the perfection of one's belief as the Prophet (s) said: "The most complete of the believers in his belief is he who perfects his manners, and the best of you in manners are those who act best towards their wives." Marriage must be approached with utmost seriousness, entered with the purest intent, and cultivated religiously as it does not come cheaply and it carries immense reward. The Prophet (s) called it "his way" (al-nikahu sunnati) and "half of religion" and he also said: "Two rak`at (prayer-cycles) of the married person are better than seventy rak`at of the unmarried." He also warned that among the greatest of responsibilities that had been placed upon men is that pertaining to the treatment of their wives.

And may Allah's blessings and peace be upon Muhammad,
his Family and all his Companions,
and praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.

Section 7: The Rights as a Mother

What does Islam say about "mothers"?

This is one of the most convincing things about Islam - the treatment of women in general and especially the high position mothers hold in Islam.

Amongst the clearest examples of Islam's honoring women is the great status of the mother in Islam. Islam commands kindness, respect and obedience to parents and specifically emphasizes and gives preference to the mother as shall be shown in this article. Islam raises parents to a status greater than that found in any other religion or ideology.

The command to be good to one's parents begins right from the Qur'an. Allah says:

"Worship God and join not any partners with Him; and be kind to your parents..." [Noble Quran 4:36]

The mention of servitude to parents follows immediately after servitude to God. This is repeated throughout the Qur'an.

"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." [Noble Quran 17:23-24]

The great scholar, Abu al-Faraj Ibn Al-Jawzî (d. 1201CE) explained:

To be kind to one's parents is: to obey them when they order you to do something, unless it is something which Allah has forbidden; to give priority to their orders over voluntary acts of worship; to abstain from that which they forbid you to do; to provide for them; to serve them; to approach them with gentle humility and mercy; not to raise your voice in front of them; nor to fix your glance on them; nor to call them by their names; and to be patient with them. (Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)

The Qur'an emphasizes the great struggles the mother goes through for her child, to highlight the need for one to reciprocate their parents sacrifice for them:

"And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."[Noble Quran 31:14]

The renowned exegete, Shaykh Abdur-Rahman As-Sa'di (d. 1956), says about this verse:

{And to your parents} meaning, be kind to your parents, shower on them love, affection and piety, both in words and deeds, treat them with tender humility, provide for them and never harm them verbally nor physically. [...] Then, Allah mentions the reason why we should be kind to our parents, when He says {His mother bore him in travail upon travail}, that is, the mother bore constant suffering; in pain and hardship from the first moment she felt the child moving in her womb to the worst pangs during the time of delivery. And {his weaning is for two years}, that is, during these two years the mother breast-feeds her child and looks after him/her. So after all the years of suffering, hardship, love and care, could we not, at least, compensate our mothers for what they have done for us and pay them back their rights? (Taysîr al-Karîm ar-Rahmân fî Tafsîr al-Kalâm al-Manân)

The Qur'an repeats its mention of the struggles of the mother in yet another passage:

"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims." [Noble Quran 46:15]

In connection to this passage, the late Grand Mufti of Pakistan, Shaykh Muhammad Shafy (d. 1976) wrote:

Mother has more rights than father
Although the first part of this verse is a command to do good to both the parents, the second sentence refers only to the hardships suffered by the mother, because they are unavoidable, and no child can be born without them. Every mother has to go through the problems of pregnancy and severe pains of delivery. As against this, it is not necessary for a father that he suffers any hardship in bringing up and educating the child, if he can afford to pay somebody else for these services. This is why the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has given more rights to the mother than anybody else. According to a hadîth he has said,

"Do good to and serve your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then the near relatives and then those who come after them."[Mazhari]

"And his carrying and his weaning is in thirty months"[Noble Quran 46:15]

This sentence too describes the hardships suffered by the mother for her baby. It points out that even after suffering hardships during pregnancy and the severe labor pains, the mother does not get respite from toils, because the natural food of the infants is in her breasts, and she has to suckle them. (Shafy, Ma'âriful Qur'ân [Eng. trans.], vol. 7, pp. 795-796)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) continually used to remind his followers of the status of the mother and the obligation of being good to one's parents. The following narration is a beautiful example of the noble position of the mother:

A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me? He replied: "Your mother." The man asked: Then who? So he replied: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So the Prophet replied again: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So he replied: "Then your father." (Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)

Commenting on this hadith, Shaykh Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi notes:

This hadith confirms that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) gave precedence to kind treatment of one's mother over kind treatment of one's father (Al-Hashimi, The Ideal Muslimah, IIPH 2005, p. 165)

Likewise, the late Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, Shaykh Abdul-Azîz Ibn Bâz (d. 1999) comments on this hadith saying:

So this necessitates that the mother is given three times the like of kindness and good treatment than the father. (Majmoo' Fataawaa wa Maqalat Mutanawwi'ah)

He also writes:

The secret of her importance lies in the tremendous burden and responsibility that is placed upon her, and the difficulties that she has to shoulder - responsibilities and difficulties some of which not even a man bears. This is why from the most important obligations upon a person is to show gratitude to the mother, and kindness and good companionship with her. And in this matter, she is to be given precedence over and above the father.[...] And I have no doubt that my mother - may Allah shower His mercy upon her - had a tremendous effect upon me, in encouraging me to study; and she assisted me in it. May Allah greatly increase her reward and reward her with the best of rewards for what she did for me. (Majmoo' Fatawa wa Maqalat Mutanawwi'ah)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) also said in a famous narration:

'Paradise lies at the feet of your mother' [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan An-Nasâ’i, Sunan Ibn Mâjah]

What can be greater evidence of honoring women than this? Islam has effectively placed the ultimate reward for human beings in their devotion to their mothers.

Shaykh Ibrahîm Ibn Sâlih Al-Mahmud writes:

Treat your mother with the best companionship, then your father; because paradise is under the mother's feet. Never disobey your parents, nor make them angry, otherwise you will live a miserable life in this world and the hereafter, and your children will treat you likewise. Ask your parents gently if you need something. Always thank them if they give it to you, and excuse them if they do not, and never insist on a matter if they refuse to give you something. (Al-Mahmoud, How to be kind to your Parents, p.40)

It is related from Talhah ibn Mu'âwiyah as-Salamî who said:

I came to the Prophet and said, "O Messenger of Allah, I want to perform Jihad in the way of Allah. He asked, "Is your mother alive?" I replied, "Yes." The Prophet then said: "Cling to her feet, because paradise is there." (at-Tabarânî).

Shaykh Nidhaam Sakkijihaa comments:

Cling to her feet means to submit yourself to her, be close to her, protect her, serve her because in this is Paradise and with her satisfaction you will enjoy the good blessings of Allah. (Sakkijihaa, Honoring the Parents, p. 52)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) showed us the importance of serving one's parents in the following narration reported by Abdullah Ibn Mas'ud:

I asked the Prophet, 'O Messenger of Allah, what is the best deed?' He replied 'Prayer offered on time.' I asked, 'What is next in goodness?' He replied, 'To be dutiful and kind to one's parents.' I further asked, 'What is next in goodness?' He replied, 'Jihad in the Allah's cause. [Sahîh Bukhârî, Sahîh Muslim]

Just as the Prophet said that kindness to one's parents was of the best deeds, he also said that disobedience to them was amongst the major sins:

"The greatest sins are to associate partners in worship with Allah, to be undutiful or unkind to one's parents, to kill a soul forbidden by Allah and to bear false witness." [Sahîh Bukhârî]

Even after the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), the Muslim scholars continued to stress the importance of being dutiful to one's mother. By examining the conduct and teachings of the early Muslim scholars, one may see how the direct recipients of the Islamic message understood the command to be dutiful to one's parents. Their behavior towards their parents shows Muslims how one is to implement the teachings of the Prophet on honoring parents.

Abdullah Ibn Abbâs (d. 687CE), a companions of the Prophet and a great scholar of Islam, considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed for strengthening or rectifying one's relation with God. He said:

I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother. [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/45]

An even more powerful example is found in the statement of another one of the Prophet's companions, Abdullah Ibn 'Umar (d. 692CE), who was also a great scholar of Islam. It has been related that:

Abdullah Ibn 'Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf (circumambulating the Ka'bah) while carrying his mother on his back. This man said to Abdullah Ibn 'Umar, "I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn 'Umar?" Abdullah Ibn 'Umar replied, "No, not even one contraction!!" [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/62]

SubhânAllah (Glory be to God)! The efforts of a man who carries his mother on his back while performing tawâf cannot even repay his mother for a single contraction that she went through for him. Wise indeed was Ibn 'Umar's reply to this man to show him how massively indebted he was to his mother. This is the tremendous value and prestigious position of mothers in Islam!

Yet another example is found in the following prophecy of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):

There will come to you with reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn 'Âmir of the clan of Murâd from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a coin. He has a mother and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah, Allah will fulfill his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so. [Sahîh Muslim 16/95]

Indeed, later on 'Umar ibn al-Khattâb met Uways who was exactly as the Prophet described, and upon 'Umar's request Uways prayed for him. Commenting on this narration, Shaykh Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimî writes:

What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect towards his mother, so that the Prophet recommended his Sahabah [companions] to seek him out and ask him to pray for them!

All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised the position of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over the father. At the same time, Islam has given importance to both parents, and has enjoined kindness and respect to both. (Al-Hashimi, The Ideal Muslimah, IIPH 2005, p. 167)

So great was the Islamic emphasis on parents, that the Muslims considered a great opportunity to attain paradise in service to one's mother. Iyâs Ibn Mu'âwiyah was a famous Islamic scholar from the second generation of Muslims. When his mother died, Iyâs Ibn Mu'âwiyah cried. He was asked, "Why do you cry?" He said, "I used to have two gates open to Paradise, now one of them is closed."

Zayn al-'Abidîn (d. 713CE) was the great grandson of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and also a renowned scholar. He used to treat his mother with so much kindness and love as seen in the following narration:

Once he was asked, 'You are the most kind person to his mother, yet we have never seen you eating with her from a single dish.' He replied, 'I fear that my hand would take the what her eyes have already seen in the dish, and then I would be disobeying her'. [At-Tartushi, Birr al-Wâlidayn]

In other words, he was so careful not to disobey his mother that he would even avoid eating out of the same plate as her; He thought that she would see a morsel and intend to take it, but before she did he might unknowingly take that same morsel and eat it. This is how careful he was to obey his mother in the most minute details.

Another early Islamic scholar, Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib (d. 709CE), was asked about the meaning of the verse "but address them in terms of honor" (17:23). Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib replied:

It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master.

Muhammad Ibn Sirîn (d. 729CE) used to speak to his mother in a very soft voice, out of respect for her. He was also often seen in the company of his mother and looking after her. (Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)

All that has preceded shows how the status of mothers - and consequently that of women - is elevated to the highest position in Islam. The honor Islam has given to mothers is beyond that found in any other religion, ideology or culture. This is clear proof of the lofty status of Muslim Women.

Section 8: The Rights of your Husband 

To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed.  An Egyptian scholar, who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in Saudi Arabia. The two books are:

1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy

These books exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions, but evidences are omitted in this translation. The following is the translation of the SECOND book.

This translation is copyrighted to MSA at University of Alberta. Feel free to repost it or reprint it by all means, provided that you do not make any changes, additions, or omissions without permission.

1. Beautiful Reception. After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you, begin with a good greeting

• Meet him with a cheerful face.
• Beautify and perfume yourself
• Start with good news and delay any bad news until he has rested
• Receive him with loving and yearning sentences
• Make hard efforts for excellence of the food & having it ready on time.

• For your  husband only, it shouldn't be used in front of non-mahram men (men who can marry you if you were unmarried)

• Taking good care of your body and fitness
• Put on nice and attractive clothes and perfumes
• Bath regularly and, after the monthly period, remove any blood traces or bad smells
• Avoid that your husband observes you in dirty clothes or rough shape
• Avoid prohibited types of ornamentation, e.g. tatoo
• Use the types of perfumes, colors, and clothes that the husband likes
• Change hair style, perfumes, etc. from time to time
• However with these things you should avoid excessiveness and, of course, only act as such in front of mahrem men and women.

• Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it.
• Keep your body clean and smelling good as possible including cleaning yourself of released fluids during intercourse.
• Exchange loving phrases with your husband.
• Leave your husband to fully satisfy his desire.
• Choose suitable times and good occasions for exciting your husband, and encouraging him to do intercourse, e.g. after returning from a travel, weekends, etc.

• You shouldn't be depressed because your husband is poor or works in a simple job.
• You should look at poor, sick, and handicapped people and remember Allah (SWT) for all that was given to you
• You should remember that real wealth lays in Iman and piety.

• You should not consider this world as your hope and interest
• You should not ask your husband for many unnecessary things
• Asceticism does not mean not to enjoy what is good and permissible (Halal), but it means that one should look forward to the hereafter and utilize whatever Allah SWT gave them to achieve paradise (Jannah).
• Encourage your husband to reduce expenses and save some money in order to give charity and feed poor and needy people.

• By the saying of the prophet, the majority of people in hell were women because they were ungrateful and deny the good done to them.
• The result of being grateful is that your husband will love you more and will do his best to please you in more ways
• The result of being ungrateful is that your husband will be dissappointed and will start asking himself: Why should I do good to her, if she never appreciates?

• In particular in times of calamities in your husband's body or business, e.g. an accident or a bankruptcy
• Supporting him through your own work, money, and properties if needed.

• In all what he commands you, unless it is prohibited (Haram).
• In Islam, the husband is the leader of the family, and the wife is his support and consultant

• First off, try to avoid what will guarantee his anger.
• But if it happens that you can't, then try to appease him as follows:
1- If you mistaken, then apologize
2- If he mistaken then:
# Keep still instead of arguing or
# Yield you were right or
# Wait until he is no longer angry and discuss the matter peacefully with him.
3- If he was angry because of external reasons then:
# Keeping silent untill his anger goes
# Find execuses for him, e.g. tired, problems at work, some one insulted him
# Do not ask many questions and insist on knowing what happened, e.g.
1) You should tell me what happened?
2) I must know what made you so angry.
3) You are hidding something, and I have the right to know

• Protecting yourself from any prohibited relations
• Keep the secrets of the family, particularly intercourse and things that the husbands don't like other people to know
• Take care of the house and children
• Take care of his money and properties
• Do not go out of your house without his permission and put on full hijab
• Refuse people whom he does not like to come over
• Do not allow any non-mahram man to be alone with you in any place
• Be good with his parents and relatives in his absence

• You should welcome his guests and try to please them, especially his  parents
• You should avoid problems as much as you can with his relatives
• You should avoid putting him is a position where he had to choose between his mother and his wife
• Show good hospitality for his guests by arranging a nice place for them to sit in, perfection of food, welcoming their wives, etc.
• Encourage him to visit his relatives and invite them to your home.
• Phone his parents and sisters, send letters to them, buy gifts for them, support them in calamities, etc.

• Jealousy is a sign for wife's love for her husband but it should be kept within the limits of Islam, e.g. not insulating or backbiting others, disrespecting them, etc.
• You should not follow or create unfounded doubts.

• Be patient when you face poverty and strained circumstances.
• When you face calamities and disasters that may  happen to you, your husband, your children, relatives or properties, e.g. diseases, accidents, death, etc.
• When facing hardships in Da'wah (imprisonment, getting fired, arrested, etc.), be patient and encourage him to keep on the path of Allah and remind him of paradise.
• When he mistreats you, counteract his ill-treatment by good treatment

• Cooperate with your husband and remind him of different obligatory and voluntary worships.* Encourage him to pray at night.
• Listen and reciting the Qur'an individually and with your husband.
• Listen to Islamic tapes and songs individually and with your husband.
• Remember Allah SWT much, particularly after Fajr and before Maghrib.
• Share in arranging Da'wah activities for women and children.
• Learn Islamic rules (ahkam) and good manners ('adab) for women.
• Support your husband's activities by encouraging him, offering wise opinions, soothing his pains, etc.
• Yielding some of your rights and a part of your time with your husband for Da'wah.
• Encourage him to go for Jihad when needed and remind him that you and children will be in the preservation of Allah SWT.

• Keep it clean, decorated and well arranged.
• Change house arrangements from time to time to avoid boredom.
• Perfect of food and prepare healthy foods.
• Learn all the necessary skills for managing the house, e.g. sewing.
• Learn how to raise children properly and in an Islamic way.

• Do not spend from his money, even for charity without his permission unless you are sure that he agrees on this.
• Protect his house, car, etc. while he is absent.
• Keep the children in good shape, clean clothes, etc. Take care of their nutrition, health, education, manners, etc. Teach them Islam and tell them the stories of the Prophets and companions.

Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed, for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors.

Section 9: The Ideal Muslima

Section 10: Muslim Qualities at Home

As-Salamu Alaykum (peace be upon you),

Clothing for little girls

http://store.delias.com/item.do?categoryID=463&itemID=46386&sizeFilter=&colorFilter=&brandFilter=

http://kitchentables.wordpress.com/2006/09/03/delias-joins-the-likes-of-abercrombie-in-exploiting-its-female-customers/

I got into a discussion about this in another thread, and I thought I would post a short article I had written for my beauty website last year. I thought it might spur some good discussion here on D&D.

When I see a two year old who is smeared in a variety of random cosmetics, I have a good laugh. Most of us have played in our mom's makeup at one time in our lives. But when I heard about real, high-quality makeup for 6- to 9-year-old girls, that Mattel and Bonne Bell are going to be releasing in 2008?? Not to mention that MGA Entertainment (which makes Bratz) already has been selling makeup for girls through Markwins International and Added Extras?? Am i the only one who sees problem here...

 

Moms, teachers, aunts, we ought to stop this craziness, and quick. Let's not dismiss this as "just playing dress-up." Already, there are Bratz-branded padded bras for 6 year olds (which they call "bralettes") that came out last year. And by buying little girls their own realistic makeup, we will continue to make them into sexualized beings way too early. I'm not saying we should ban dress up and makeup play in young girls, but a line needs to be drawn and its up to us as parents/teachers/aunts/grandmas/etc. to do it. They are going to be bombarded with the pictures they find in our magazines, the images they see in commercials, and now the toys they see lining the shelves of their favorite stores. Its up to us to draw the lines of what is age appropriate play, and what is simply exploitation of our girls natural desires to want to be "all grown up." 

http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about455166.html

Padded Bras For 6-Year Olds

by Teresa McEntire | 22 Sep 2006

What is the fashion world coming to? Now stores are selling padded bras for six year olds. That is kindergarten age. So bras aren't just for those who are actually developing but a necessity to start kindergarten. It's crazy. What is even crazier is that parents actually buy them for their daughters.

Bratz padded bras are currently being sold in Australia and it's only a matter of time before they make their way to the United States. In a Herald Sun article Target, a separate entity from the US Target, claimed that they sell the padded bras because they support "fashionable items that give girls modesty and style as they go through development changes." Give me a break what six-year-old is developing breasts. It doesn't happen. If it actually did the girl's mother could buy a regular training bra.

Let's be honest here. The reason they are selling padded bras is because they are marketing sex to children. (See my blog on this topic.) The only reason a girl needs a padded bra is so that she looks older, more like the dolls that she plays with, and her favorite teen pop stars. The clothes that they sell for girls today are fashioned after teen styles. So why shouldn't your six-year-old look like a teenager while wearing the clothing? Because she is six-years-old. She is still a child and should dress like a child.

The spokeswoman for Bratz claims that, "the idea of the padding is for girls to be discreet as they develop. It is more about hiding what you have got than showing it off. It is certainly not there to make children look like they have breasts." Then what is the point of padding. It most certainly will call attention to that area and make it look like the girl does have breasts. That's why teenagers and adult women wear padded bras to enhance what they have and make it look better. If you are trying to be discreet then sell undershirts not padded bras. I could maybe understand a bra with no padding if that is their purpose. But padding is not discreet. Neither is the bra line that will show under the clothing. That just makes the girl look like she is a teenager.

There are those speaking out against the new clothing line including the Australian Family Association. Spokeswoman Angela Conway said, "We have a growing problem with pedophilia and people viewing children as sex objects. Children do not need these products and I am appalled. It is more than bad taste. The sexual portrayal of children in this country is illegal and these products are pandering to just that."

Recenlty Bratz released a new clothing line targeted for girls ages 8-12 in the US. So now the girls cannot only play with Bratz dolls but dress like them too. The press release states that "this super-hip sassy new line of apparal" features clothing with "a look which redefines wardrobe essentials with the requisite Bratz flair." The clothing line contains clothing out of sleek satin, faux fur, velveteen denim, stretch corduroy, velour, and french terry decorated with sequins and rhinestones. I'm confused here - are they talking about a young girl or a hooker's wardrobe?

Parents can make a difference and affect clothing styles. When Abercrombie and Fitch released a new line of thongs for ten year olds featuring phrases like "Eye Candy" and "Wink Wink" parents protested and the thongs were recalled. Parents need to stand up and say what they will or will not accept. I hope that enough parents will protest the new bras that they will be removed in Australia and if they reach the US that they won't last as well.

http://parenting.families.com/blog/padded-bras-for-6-year-olds

As-Salamu Alaykum (peace be upon you),

BACKBITING

Backbiting, something that is a problem everywhere and that can have detrimental effects on our Ummah and ourselves. So how this is detrimental to us?

On the Day of Judgment our good deeds will be measured against our bad deeds and whichever has the greater balance will effect our outcome on that day.

What does this have to do with sins committed against others?

Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) as saying:

"Do you know who is poor? They (the Companions) said: A poor man amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth. He (peace be upon him) said: The poor of my Ummah would be he who would come on the Day of Resurrection with prayers and fasts and Zakah but (he would find himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues) since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others and unlawfully consumed the wealth of others and shed the blood of others and beat others, and his virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And if his good deeds fall short to clear the account, then his sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the Hell-Fire." [Muslim]

What is being described here is the bankrupt person is the one who runs out of good deeds on the Day of Judgment. How can this be so?

There is a part of the last day where the Muslims will meet on the Sirat (bridge), those that make it across this bridge go to Jannah, those that fall from the bridge will spend at least some time in the Hellfire. On this bridge each will take from the other whatever is outstanding from the previous life. So if a person has done something to harm another, they will take from that person their good deeds to reconcile with that person, so at the end everyone is cleared of outstanding matters, cleansed of their bad doings. Except for those who don't have enough good deeds to give to those who they harmed. As it describes in the Hadith. These will dwell for some time in the Hellfire to cleanse what is left of their sins.

What things are we talking about? You borrowed a pen from someone and you didn't return it, minor but still that person will come to claim what is rightfully theirs. You speak badly about someone or spread lies about them, they will come to collect. You borrow something and return it in bad condition without apology or replacing what you ruined. You steal from someone. You physically hurt someone. You short change them in a deal. There are some many ways in which we may cause harm or injustice to another person, and unless we sort it out now, in this life it will be sorted out on the Sirat in the form of handing over those good deeds.

How does this all related to the topic of backbiting?

Umar ibn al-Khattab came upon Abu Bakr as-Siddiq pulling his tongue. Umar said to him, "Stop, may Allah forgive you!" Abu Bakr replied, "This has brought me to dangerous places." [Muwatta']

We should be weary of our tongues and what we say. Think about this as an example ... how many times have you or someone else referred to one of your fellow sisters with a remark, "Look at the Hijab, isn't that ghastly" or some such similar comment. It isn't a huge comment, but just like the pen, it will be taken from you in good deeds on the Day of Judgment. We tend to focus on the big bad things we say, or others say without realizing that even the smallest thing will come back to us. And again think for a moment, one such small comment often begins a conversation which grows into worse forms of backbiting and slander.

Allah forbids these acts, as He says in the Quran:

"O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, in deeds some suspicions are sins. And spy not neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah, verily, Allah is The One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful" [Noble Quran 49:12]

Can you imagine that backbiting is like eating the flesh of your fellow human being?

Do you understand what backbiting is?

Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) said:

"Do you know what backbiting is?" They said, "Allah and His Messenger know best." He then said, "It is to say something about your brother that he would dislike." Someone asked him, "But what if what I say is true?" The Messenger of Allah said, "If what you say about him is true, you are backbiting him, but if it is not true then you have slandered him." [Muslim]

Backbiting is something that you say about a person that they will dislike you to say that is true about them. Even worse is slander because you are adding the addition sin of lying about that person on top of it!!

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

"Who protects his tongue from unlawful utterances and his private parts from illegal sexual intercourse, I shall guarantee him entrance into Paradise." [Bukhari and Muslim]

Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) also said:

"I asked the Messenger of Allah: Who is the best Muslim? The Messenger of Allah replied, "He is the one from whom Muslims are safe from the evil of his tongue and hands."

Are the Muslims safe from your tongue? Are you checking just what words are coming out of your mouth? Will you be handing out all your good deeds on the Day of Judgment because of what you said?

It is worth taking a stock take of what you say. Reflect upon that fact that the most likely person you say bad things about is most likely the person you would least like to share your good deeds with. Contemplate the effort you put into accumulating good deeds only to open your mouth and blow them all away!!

One last tip on this topic, it is easier to avoid backbiting, gossiping and slandering if you do not listen to such talk. It is also a sin to participate in backbiting by listening to others back bite.

Walk away or change the subject, but don't just sit there and absorb the evil utterances of others.

Section 11: Misconceptions of Muslim Families

1# : Materialism separating you from your family

“The things you own end up owning you.” – Tyler Durden in Fight Club

Beyond a minimum threshold of poverty, having more things doesn’t make people happier. But in a society driven by consumption, it can be hard to realize this truth.

Living a less materialistic lifestyle doesn’t mean becoming a monk and abstaining from all of life’s pleasures. It means shifting your focus away from possessions so they become less important by comparison.

Materialism Fills a Void

Owning things becomes important when you have an internal void. When your internal world is deprived it is only natural to want to fill it with external things. Unfortunately, this is like filling a sieve with sand. The sand may fit in the sieve temporarily, but it will soon sift through the holes, leaving you empty again.

What do you fill that internal void with? Here are a few aspects that fill the void better than possessions:

• Relationships
• Passionate Work
• Service to Others
• Personal Challenges
• Knowledge

At the core of all these things is your philosophy towards life and understanding of the world you live in. You can be rich, but you can’t be wealthy unless your life philosophy and internal world are healthy.

Reducing Materialism

Ending materialism doesn’t mean forsaking all your possessions. Ridding yourself of everything you own would only prove you are still too preoccupied with possessions themselves. Someone who has developed a healthy inner world would see possessions as neutral. This shift is more about attitude than specific actions.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. You aren’t the things you own. The problem is that you view things as possessions in the first place. Ownership is just a societal construct to keep order, it doesn’t have any deeper meaning. Separate your identity from the things you own.
2. Relationships are about doing, not having. You can’t have a girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse. Although those terms are fairly commonplace, they demonstrate that many people still view relationships as possessions. The more you see relationships as possessions, the less intrinsic value you can get from experiencing them.
3. Create a system of goals and challenges. Materialism fills a void. Replace that uncomfortable filler with goals and challenges. Although many of my challenges are directed towards material gain, that isn’t the real point. Just as winning Risk isn’t about world-domination as it is about a fun challenge.
4. Serve. Invest your energies into helping other people. I don’t view acts as being on a continuum from selfishness to selflessness, as acts that directly benefit me can benefit others as well. But even in that case, shifting your focus onto the needs of others can replace materialism.
5. Trash it. I’m the opposite of a packrat. When I need to do a major cleaning, I usually toss just about everything I haven’t used recently. Getting rid of old possessions can be a liberating experience, stripping away from you what isn’t important.
6. See wealth as a challenge not a result. I view earning more money as an interesting and complex game. I expect my minimum comfort threshold would only be around $15,000 to $20,000 per year. Beyond that, earning more is simply a bigger challenge.
7. Experience over objects. The only reason to buy an object is because you believe it will (directly or indirectly) improve the quality of your experience. Going straight to the source helps you avoid the middlemen that are material goods.
8. Build intangible assets. Habits, time-management, discipline, emotional control, understanding and learning are just a few of the non-physical assets you can hold. Building intangible assets replaces your need for physical ones.
9. Use money to free, not chain, yourself. When you have a larger income, don’t simply adapt by increasing your lifestyle. Instead work to create a buffer between your income and lifestyle so you live below your means. This will give you more freedom to pursue goals and ideas that may not immediately contribute to your productivity.
10. Go basic. Simplify all your material possessions so they don’t consume your mental resources. Simple, even if less glamorous, requires less maintenance, offers fewer distractions and uses less thinking. A simple lifestyle affords you the ability to focus your energies on your inner world.
11. Avoid the status game. Seek friends from all social layers. Don’t buy into the game that decides a persons worth based on their money or profession. I know people I would consider smarter and more enlightened who live on a fraction of the income that others do. Keeping pockets of connections within all levels separates you from the competitive aspects materialism brings.
12. Judge yourself by your ethics and your understanding. I’d be far happier with myself if I were poor but I understood the world and lived true to a system of ethics, than if I had the opposite. Don’t base your self worth on how much you’ve achieved or the admiration of your peers.
13. Let go. Buddhism teaches that attachment to things creates suffering. Again, this is all in the mindset. I’m not a Buddhist, but as I understand it, this doesn’t mean the only path to true happiness is to abandon everything. It simply means that you stop trying to hold on to all the things you own and the relationships in your life.
14. You can’t take it with you. What is going to matter to you on your deathbed? Looking back at your entire life, what was important? Use that to prioritize.

#2 : TV'S Influence on your child?

 #3 : Culture in Families?

 # 4: Equality in Children?

# 5: Double Standards a part of your Family?

# 6: Religion is forced upon in the Family?

Section 12: E-Books

Section 13: Lectures

Family Life in Islam

By Hasan Ali. Whether it be your wife, husband, parent, child or future prospective, these lectures will provide the basic, necessary tools from the Quran and the Sunnah to enhance your inter-personal relationships. Discover your own rights and the rights of others, as well as other people’s personality types, which provides to a greater understanding of how to deal with the person in the best possible way to achieve your goal.

Basic human rights of a civilization, which are also the rights of family members, are discussed here, including the right to a good upbringing, the right to participate in the affairs of those in charge, the right to the freedom of expression and security of personal freedom 

A comprehensive Quranic outlook on human rights that are also found in family life including the right to a good upbringing and the right to the freedom of expression

Marriage is the beginning of a new family life and the spouse may either make heaven or hell for a person in this world. so find out how to choose the most compatible person for marriage by analyzing sixteen different personality types, whether you are choosing for yourself or for a loved one.

Today the West accuses Islam of denying Muslim women their rights but this lecture demonstrate that fact that Islam gave women their rights 1200 years before Europe and the west even began to discuss women's rights! The rights of husbands and wives is also discussed 

Every couple tries to avoid an argument, but somehow it always seems to take place; this lecture tries to solve this problem by highlighting the differences in the nature of men and women, the rights of parents and of how Prophet (pbuh) treated children are also discussed here 

This lecture deals with practical ways of dealing with children starting from pregnancy and moving on to early childhood. It offers general principles of controlling children in the correct manner without harshness or leniency, which are all backed up from the Quran and Sunnah